Been inactive lately, here's an update! I'm living the best years of my life right now, I fucking love my life. I've also gotten really burnt out on Newgrounds, the community here, and putting in any effort whatsoever in regards to socializing. When I moved off grid and far away from everything, I had a feeling something like this might happen with my relationship to society but I was hopeful that I'd get more involved with online communities. After a few years up on this mountain; fuck y'all too, the internet is a stupid place.

I've made a statement in a past blog to be weary of the dangers of pulling yourself apart emotionally to appeal to niche communities. Newgrounds is exactly that, a niche community with some incredibly talented people going absolutely nowhere. Back in 2008 I received advice from Ian Slider that if I wanted a career in music I had to "get off Newgrounds." Didn't listen, spent a good chunk of my life here and I don't regret it. This place has its perks but I'm just so invested in my own life right now that I don't give any fucks anymore. I'm not even doing much with my life per se, changed my profile occupation to waifu to reflect where I'm at mentally.

For 15 years I threw myself into the landscaping industry and learned as much as I could from horticulture to machine operation. I saw so many people losing themselves in that industry to addiction, alcohol abuse, pain meds, overdose... the irony right now is that I'm also using like crazy but none of the substances I'm into feel wrong. It all compounds back into my marriage. A massive source of my happiness right now comes from sex, drugs, and music. Sue me.

I could go on all day about how mad society makes me and how good drugs make me feel but instead I'm going to share a sampling of my date night playlist for funzorz, random segue. Given the general vibe from the music I upload to Newgrounds I doubt many of you would suspect that I'm really into funk, soul, disco, RnB... I've even developed a taste for "pop" and whatever it means in the context of human music. Here's a fun one, love the work put into the choreography:

Anderson Paak has been entertaining the FUCK out of us:

^It's so fucking corny and melodramatic, a little sexist but it paints such a silly drama I can't take it seriously. It's just fun bullshit. I missed out on a lot of fun music over the years because I was really stuck in certain feedback loops. Great example, I didn't notice Two Door Cinema when I was into the indy sound, but some of their toons have grown on me and they still tour, so:

Dated a guy in my mid to late 20s that loved Childish Gambino and The Weeknd. I share these tunes with my husband now, years after they've grown on me:

Why iii Love The Moon by PHONY PPL came into my playlist last night but I guess I'll be listening to it more so here you go:

Bored yet? Here's some Gorillaz you fucking slobs, love it or die:

Tom Misch has been worming his way into my playlists, I didn't even realize I watched him on Youtube jamming with FKJ a couple years ago. These two are super talented:

That sax solo above reminded me, I fucking love this next one by LEISURE. Modest saxophone pay off @ 2:50:

Even though I haven't been writing music I've been playing daily, honing improvisational skills around beat boxing accompanied by some lax guitar and piano, inspired somewhat by the sounds I shared above. Really need to get into the loop station I bought ages ago. I've written lyrics for some of my material but in preparation for open mic I've swapped those out for the lyrics to Hit Me Baby One More Time and Break Stuff because I thought it was funny. Given that those kinds of songs require a mechanical license to share on social media I'll probably never showcase the material online but I'm trying to paint the image that I'm finding new inspiration every day. When I start writing again I'll try to bring good vibes into it but I'm so entirely done with competing for attention, self-promotion, and begging people for listens. Despite a fulfilling sex life I HATE feeling like a slut when I'm trying to get people to listen to my music. You either know where it is or you don't.

I do not fit in with what the world wants me to be but I've found absolute happiness, enlightenment in just being a loving wife. Suppose a lot of that stems from being a transwoman, a fact I usually wait until a few paragraphs into a blog to mention because I know the average Newgrounds user can't read. This feels like a relatively safe place to share personal details despite the world becoming increasingly hostile towards trans people. I've retreated into the arms of the one person that is there for me, the one person that makes me feel good. I'm happy but paradoxically lonely. Music was something I got into so I could make friends but now I'm so tired of everyone but I also kind of miss humanity? Mixed bag, big feelings. At least I still have one person in my life that I can share it all with.

I hope I'll rediscover whatever it is I loved about this place but for now I'm just jamming out in my own space. Music still drives me but it doesn't come from a desire to become famous, collect recognition, get rich, or appeal to niche communities. Making music has become a very solitary experience but I'm sharing the stuff I find with my husband, growing our taste in music together. I'm becoming equally intimate with my instruments so that when I one day decide to rejoin society I'll have something worth sharing with it. If I die before that can happen, cool. I'm so fucking done with this planet. Here's one more song to exit on, another talented soloist doing his thing. Peace out:

tldr: fought off a grizzly bear with a toothbrush, taught him proper hygiene, paid his college tuition. I'm so proud of him, fr fr.

Join Our Astrophotography Stream, Tonight! 7:30 Mountain Time (MT), 9:30 EST

Stream: https://youtube.com/live/8jkT4i6JuJg

edit: stream is winding down, will be over shortly. I'm adding a pic of the crowd in our living room to the bottom of the blog (Fig 1.4)

Fig 1.1 ^Tom was having tracking issues but the exposure turned out ok, imo.

For anyone curious about Astrophotography my husband will be hosting a "first light party" tonight. Tom will be streaming the event via his YouTube account with his new telescope. He wrote up the following schedule to help determine when certain events will take place:

https://youtube.com/live/8jkT4i6JuJg

Agenda: Mountain time zone

7:30 PM Live Stream start and obligatory technical difficulties

7:35 PM Telescope explanation and walkthrough (equipment)

7:48 PM Telescope power-up (Nautical Dark)

7:50 PM Software control explanation

8:10 PM Q&A

8:19 PM Telescope Imaging start (Astro Dark)

8:20 PM First Images

8:25 PM What are we seeing? B+W vs Color

8:30 PM Narrowband vs Wideband Filters

8:35 PM Processing images Art vs Science

8:45 PM Choosing targets and live viewing objects live

Fig 1.2 ^The new scope.

I want to maintain the focus on Tom's Astrophotography but I'll have a bunch of news in a week or so after the Astronox Music & Arts Festival to recap that event. I'll be hosting an "Introduction To Beatboxing" workshop detailing a brief history of the hip-hop subculture that spawned one of my favorite hobbies followed by an interactive class that teaches the basics of beatboxing. I've been working on a syllabus and rehearsing the material to make it as fun as possible but that event will not be live streamed. If you happen to be in the Austin Texas area, look up the Astronox Festival and nab an event pass. As I've said in previous blog posts, the host of the festival is an old Newgrounds alumni. I'll be meeting at least one other Newgrounds user at the festival so speak up if you feel like showing up! Tickets might seem expensive but given where all the money goes the event is basically operated at cost (edit: just found out they never break even. Zero profit.) It's not easy to get involved in creative communities, many creatives are shut-ins that never leave their comfort zones myself included. If you live in the Austin Texas area and you love painting, fire dancing, electronic music, DJ sets, eclectic food, and community portable-toilets than this event is for you!

That is all, enjoy the rest of your day!

Fig 1.3 ^some clown, no idea.

I. Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All

New EP Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All was finished a few days ago! Art volunteered by Bleak-Creep. If you like the art, please visit her page! She's a very special friend and her work is always top notch <3

https://quarl.bandcamp.com/album/robot-world-burns-cog-help-us-all

As usual I'm disabling MP3 downloads for songs that are migrating to Bandcamp. I'm not sure if anyone has caught on that my albums on Bandcamp are all "name your price," which translates to 0$. Purchasing individual songs on the other hand costs $1 per track. Seeing as it's ridiculously hard to get people listening to my music in the first place I've always tried to remain accessible. You can pirate my music if you want, just don't claim you wrote the material.

Massive thank you going out to Plasmarift and Bleak-Creep. I've considered hiring a voice actor in the past, I usually hunt for samples to help add cinematic elements to my music. Plasma reached out looking for work and I love a random hustle so I gave him a mission to write and record an evil monologue. Wasn't certain what to expect but he took that prompt and delivered some amazing recordings. I chopped his monologues up into samples so I could rearrange, pick and choose from, set cadence... it's honestly a slight shame that I'm not using his material in it's entirety but I might make some more cinematic tracks with his recordings taking the center stage at a later point. Could also make the sample folders public. After the vendetta recordings I asked him to do some fictional love confessions. He was a little awkward about having to act out love but that couldn't have been a more Newgrounds response, y'all are touch starved. I really want to do a couple of orchestral pieces using the monologues, something akin to the OST work from Us but I'm kind of between DAWs, more on that later...

Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All is a collection of sound fetish, misanthropic synthesizers, and existential angst. The product of 20 years of just banging my head against a computer screen, this EP both loves itself and hates itself. Please consider dropping more than 0$ on the EP.

II. Passing Through Texas

I'm going down to Texas with my husband in October. If your interested in a music & arts festival look up Astronox. The guy that runs the event is an old Newgrounds alumni, Nick Sumbles. I only know of one other Newgrounds user in the Texas area, apparently we just missed each other last year, he bought a day pass. The event is 5 days long, I camped the event last year in my pop up tent. Tom just made some sick additions to our camper trailer, daisy chained some battery cells together and stuffed them in a couple boxes above the wheel fenders:

We used to plug our devices into the car battery but the new battery power lets us run a fridge. Starlink unit sits in the truck bed, is enshrined by the cage we used to hoist the pop up tent onto giving us highspeed internet. We camp like a couple of spoiled yuppies, when it gets dark out he streams Futurama while I emulate Pokemon games and troll Discord :D

This is just another reason why I make my albums free. Sometimes I complain about sales... a small part of me wants my music to blow up but my other half realizes how dumb that old dream is. I have a great life, any money I make from my music eventually funnels back to people like Plasmarift and pays for my subscriber status. I'm not sure when I'll have new music up, I'm trying to make a hard shift from a DAW I've always loved to Ableton because it's free right now. My hubby got a free license of Ableton with a Sweetwater purchase and I'm getting dated out of my Reason 10 license. I'll try to put my Reason 10 copy on the new music computer Tom built but I've been told I'm screwed. I'm not in love with Ableton's interface but I'm just being a big baby about it.

III. Tom Is King Of The Bees

His latest eccentric hobby, Tom procured a couple of Nucs before our wedding last year. He just divided the hives, installed three new queens:

I have 30 minutes of video footage to edit, maybe I'll have a finished product next time. It was a very windy day so I'll have to re-record his dialogue or use closed captions. Maybe I'll just overlay Plasmarift's monologues and tell my husband I fucked up the audio? Regardless, that about wraps up the news.

IV. Tldr:

New EP, Texas, Bees.

@Bleak-Creep @Plasmarift <3 <3

I. 1k Followers, 20 Years (skip this section if you hate reading)

Time flies, my account is almost 20 years old.

The overwhelming majority of that 1k do not use this website anymore. It's a meaningless number that conveys the time I've spent here more than any sort of popularity. There were a lot of people I loved working with over the years. Some of those relationships led to great experiences, embarrassing experiences, and strange experiences but my life is richer for all those relationships.

Almost a decade ago I met my husband through a roommate & friend of his that also used Newgrounds. It feels weird when you can sort of connect the dots and trace the love of your life all the way back to Love Hina sim date RPG but Newgrounds is a very special reoccurring vein in my life and I lovingly laugh at all the weird shit here. The name Quarl was truthfully inspired from a young fascination towards the FF VIII character Squall. Was probably 6th grade, 11 or 12 years old, 2000/2001. I had the original PS1 disc set but the final disc never worked, scratched technology. It kind of makes sense that I never got to see the game's ending in which Squall starts to grow a heart and becomes a better friend and lover. To me he was always "edgy-no-feelings-guy." That scratched disc arguably stunted the growth of my empathy by unintentionally introducing me to a bad role model. Fuck that emotionally stunted stoicism, learning how to convey deep feelings was the real plot of FF VIII. Creativity is an extension of your feelings: the deeper your emotional intelligence the better your work can get, the more criticism you can take, the more love you can convey.

Used the name first on Gaia, an old forum site that gave you "gold" for every post. Quarrel was already taken but no one ever asked why it was misspelled. For a long time "Quarl" was always an option for online games which is no longer the case. I am not the one true Quarl. Could have changed my name many times over the years but stuck with the name because I'm still just some dumb idiot moving through life in a transient manner. There are many young people here that remind me of my own youth. Those kids are angry, optimistic, hungry, hypocritical, existential... but more importantly they have so much potential. I love to see doppelgangers bloom into their own styles and elements, there is beauty in evolution and growth.

Feel free to share why you've picked your names if they mean something, I love posterity.

II. Homecoming, Bleak-Creep

Love this girl, always a pleasure to get to work with Garden. Her talent is enormous but more so I'm always impressed with how easily she deals with phobic reviews. I get to see every notification from the project and I'm mildly bothered by those that lack empathy for the creative process or the characters in the story but there's always a louder and bigger positive reaction from the community, giving hope.

The OST was a fun flurry of back and forth creative activity. I got to see an early version of the toon and tried to match the vibe. Garden likes her stories to be hopeful, or to convey hope. I had a melody on a harpsichord patch, not very hopeful i.m.o. but she liked it when I sent it too her for inspection. Her response took the soundtrack in the direction that it went in and as usual I'm happy to expand my comfort zone to include work other than obscure dance genres. I've asked her to again illustrate my next EP cover, more on that in section IV. New Upcoming EP.

Go experience Homecoming, an interactive story by Bleak-Creep and of course, the OST:

III. New Cat, New Chapter

The circle of life continues, we got a new kitty to give our other cat a play buddy. I had one raw moment where it felt like the finality of replacing our old cat was too much but at the very least, the new one will live the fullest life we can give her. She's a cuddly little thing, spent the first night crawling all over us, trying to lick my armpits. Here's to a weird new cat chapter...

IV. New Upcoming EP

I have enough songs to produce another typical Quarl EP and will be working on improving that material before posting it on Bandcamp. This means that I will be disabling free downloads for certain tracks, mostly the new ones. You can always pirate the improved upon WAV files from Bandcamp if you want to. I'm not going to go after people that want to listen to my music, just get the meta data in place so you have all the important details. I'm not putting "Hey Look, A Bank" on the EP, Geometry Dash owns that now. That song got so much attention because of GD, so just take it. Not disabling the mp3 download but you'll never get a remastered WAV to pirate from Bandcamp, I'm so fucking evil. MWAHAHAHAHAA!!! I'M SUCH A DISSAPOINTMENT >:D

V. Won't Make Pico Day, Please Go For Me

It probably seems weird to include a section about not being able to make Pico Day in Jersey but I just wanted to recommend that people in the North East area of the US should attend. Getting the chance to surround yourself with a bunch of equally weird creative power houses is inspiring. Every creative social event I attend, I try to talk to everyone. If someone is acting a little distant, open them up and find out what makes them tick. Be nice if you meet people that travelled, international or not. Ask about projects and interests, bring a sketch pad to share ideas and to make friends. There are a lot of names I recognized on the confirmed guest list, the potential creative power of the 2024 Jersey meet-up is real. I'm drooling at the guest list right now, please go for me and make positive memories. I've reposted the details towards the bottom of this post.

^ Rucklo & Quarl Pico Day 2016 ◠‿◠

VI. Art Inspired Music Contest

I'll be judging again this year, hopefully I'll have the chutzpah to review everything. If you make music and you love the art on Newgrounds, pick a piece that inspires you and write the most complimentary song you can. All the details are on Random-Storykeeper's blog, here's a quick link to the deets.

VII. Talking To Myself

Tossed this strip together for moments on Discord because it often feels like I'm talking to myself.

The wait to get a response on social media can sometimes feel lonely. The feeling is similar when blogging but the blog content is more for myself than anyone else anyways. It's a personal moment, scribbling ideas into the blog is a way to organize life experiences. I encourage creatives of all types to blog, if only for your own mental well being or a sense of progress. We're more than just webpages with weird content on them, we're people. We have feelings and dreams. As creative people it often feels like you're waiting for someone else to open a door for you but the experience doesn't have to feel lonely all the time. There are so many people on Newgrounds that share your visions, every post is a chance to reach out and touch the consciousness of a kindred spirit. I've talked to a lot of people that don't make content, they play into the numbers that give us popularity boners. Sometimes they drop kind reviews, sometimes they suck, but they constitute web traffic and just knowing someone has experienced our creations can be a high.

I feel that the goal of everyone that makes an account should be to contribute creative things, if you can't: leave reviews or blog. Tell artists that you like their work when you can to keep them going. Be part of the community regardless of how intimidating it can be. One last reminder:

PICO DAY NJ 2024 | NEWGROUNDS MEETUP

FRIDAY, MAY 17TH

3pm - 11pm @ Williams Center

15 Sylvan St, Rutherford, NJ 07070

For more info, BrandyBuizel has all the deets.

(A quick edit to the post, here's an old drawing Yendor did :)

tldr: drop a sleepy emoji if you hate reading.

I. My Newer New Friend:

@Cyberdevil Here's that polaroid you asked for!

I was trying to get the pole into it's hands to make it look like it was playing with the pole but like a stereotypical adult I didn't do any math. Was maybe gonna fix her up some more and get another picture riding her head while holding the pole like a battle woman, valiantly killing an endangered beast. The snow melted way too fast though. Snow is easier or harder to work with at different points in time factoring for things like melt or air temperature. I'll try again next year with colder snow xD

Yeah, she's pretty cool. Food dye in a spray bottle next year, I'm gonna spread color on my snow things <3

II. Church Of The Cosmic Fuck

I wanted to address my latest song, Church Of The Cosmic Fuck, mostly just because no one else is and I was really expecting some kind of puritanical backlash from my weird-ass song description, obscurity rocks. I marked this song down as Mature, a literal first. I'm not gonna be forthcoming with where I grabbed one or two voice samples because doing so would literally be sharing porn.

As a musician it's kind of funny having grown up with the sea of hentai on this website, WHICH I WILL SUPPORT, if only because it keeps the lights on for many of us and I'm a married 34 year old trans woman with no kids. If I could list the number of times people have pressured me to do porn, it's because I actually sat down and made a list. I really don't care anymore, I've ascended to the realization that reproduction is somehow imperative to our species and some people want to police how reproduction takes place.

So yeah, Church Of The Cosmic Fuck. Acolytes wanted, silly hats are mandatory.

III. NGPR, yay!

This episode was recorded quite some time ago, the recording I took on my end says 11-12-22. Give the boys over there lots of slack, whatever the gap was about it's totally alright. So many of us have crazy artistic dreams but we need to remember that life actually happens off the computer. I have disappeared from so many digital relationships myself that I totally get it. Space is something we seek out for many reasons. A friend once said to me "one day our favorite musicians will just stop making music" and it's true for all the creative things. One of my irrational fears is that other people will feel the same crushing burdens of irrelevance, imposter syndrome, or existential meaninglessness that I do and that they'll stop doing what they love as a result. I am in a good place 99% of the time and I'd love my peers to feel that feeling too. I often disappear from Newgrounds because I'm living my best life and I would much rather be there than in front of the pressure box making shit for no real reason.

Cut others the same slack that you deserve, you're beautiful <3

IV. BOSS SHOWDOWN CHALLENGE

I totally forgot to bump this contest, please forgive me @JinZ!! I actually won a contest not hosted by MindChamber for once! Yay! Theme of the contest was to make your own boss music and I NEEDED my own boss music. There was no prize other than this fun little image but it still means a lot to me.

edit: I just realized Daru's track only got 137 views, someone bump this one in the front page suggestions thread!! No wait, FUCK YOU- I'LL DO IT D:<

This image is the kind of thing I loved about Newgrounds growing up. JinZ did the thing that helps build up the community. He even posted a full video of his review process which is such an honest act of transparency. Competing for things like cash can create awkward feelings, everyone feels owed an answer when their stuff doesn't get love. A contest with no prize meant no pressure but Jinz still had to field a few raw feelings, people will disagree with contest results always. I remember getting pissed at a contest once because one of the judges didn't have any music background. That just highlights the need to volunteer or network harder, as such I'm volunteering to help judge this years AIM...

V. AIM 2024 [Art Inspired Music Contest]

random-storykeeper

She does such a good job hosting this contest <3

AIM is a popular competition, I love getting the chance to see what kind of Newgrounds talent is around us. It takes a seriously concerted effort to get to know the general community, but Judging the AIM gives me the feeling of leverage to see everyone and their dreams at once. I judged a couple years ago and it was such a good experience, I still see so many names from that year's contest and I know what to expect from them now. Jinz was actually one of those AIM contenders I judged which was another reason I felt compelled to support his Boss Showdown contest if only by competing in it...

In regards to general contest results I feel it's important to look the other way when we don't completely agree because at the end of the day all of our contests and events are hosted by similar crazy people with the same weird dreams and failings. We all want recognition from our peers but the burden of providing that recognition falls harder on some. I'm gonna do what I did previously and try to review literally everything in the AIM contest this year because I know some people need it. Artists are so talented but we are terrible when it comes to networking and promoting each other. I'm looking forwards to the thankless work of telling more than 100 musicians that they need to better familiarize themselves with their fidelity tools...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

VI. Fuck My Mom

Awkward segue, @Xinxinix recently hosted a poetry slam. I've always loved poetry because it's such a universal art form. Poetry lets people say things that are on their mind in a safe environment that encourages us to share feelings. It doesn't take more than understanding the language spoken, as such poetry can be very powerful. I wrote a poem inspired by the poetry slam. I've had really complex feelings towards the subject of my mom, she took her own life when I was 25. I wanted to make her proud but I had so much I still needed to accomplish before she died. She was my original role model, the strongest woman I knew. This poem is about her but it's a little Freudian so you might want to skip over it if your not ready for awkward sexual themes:

Frued thinks that he knows what's on my mind

Frued thinks that I think that my mom is sublime

But Frued doesn't know what I have on my mind

Because if he did he'd be protecting his own behind

I pine for a man whose name rhymes with void

I think of dat ass, the clinical ass of the Frued

I want to look in it, stick my face down deep

I want to feel covered in that Fruedian shee-it

I got him these flowers, so my feelings he knows

I got that bitch magnolias, zinnias, and a rose

My mom is cold because my love she won't have

Because Frued is my love and this poem made me sad

See, so embarrassingly Freudian. Obviously I can't share it too many places but thought "I poured my heart into this." It really means so much, and yet it also means absolutely nothing. I'm fucking weird, I accept that I'm weird, please don't tell my husband how HOT I get thinking about Frued and his massive psychology dick :o

I will now leave you all on this weird ass note, do with your feelings as you would. Happy tidings, now go make stuff <3

I made a new friend! Her name is Lumpy, she's a great white shark. Yes, she is made of snow but don't tell her I said that. I'm worried existentialism could cause her to start melting...

I try to refrain from blogging if I don't have "news" so the shark was originally going to be my excuse. Lucky me, I also tossed together a few videos this week to try and make new friends elsewhere on the internet. Lossy audio quality on Youtube, it's really not my favorite platform but at least they have embed codes:

I got a little discouraged recently when I tried to promote in a new community. The shorter two videos above were originally meant for r/dubstep. To be fair, r/dubstep has a rule against "shameless self promotion" but as someone that lives with a constant demeanor of shame I'm left with little to no ability to quantify their rule. I left their dubstep cult within 24 hours of joining it because they obviously lack a unified philosophy that involves fostering new talent. Instead they favor the promotion of big names on big labels pushed by big redditors. I've likewise left other communities shortly after joining because of similar vibes. Over the years it's become apparent to me that many of these communities are run by hungry fans, not the exceptional individuals that they worship.

I've developed a massive distaste for labels, scenes, fan clubs, festivals, gate keepers, and generally haters. I'm as introverted as any of them come but there's never a sense of comradery or kinship amongst fellow basement dwellers. Our digitized music commoditizes us away from being people, turning us into just loud noises on niche web pages. I've been trying desperately for 20 years to develop my own style while simultaneously trying to appeal to listeners that want their music in ways so specific that they can only get off from one or two artists or genres. I always come back to Newgrounds because it's my safe space. It's a rare space that fosters creativity, knowledge, and community of all kinds and all ages.

I'm experiencing relatively typical feelings of what it's like to be an independent "content creator." Some of us spend our entire lives banging our heads against walls while seeking out validation from communities that would prefer our work to sound or look just like someone else's. Despite EDM having it's roots in the Avant-garde, it has long since become a realm run by the few and the wealthy. Artists are encouraged to sound just like one another so that our tunes can be shoved into DJ sets that we can't even afford to go see. We're forced to stand on each other's shoulders to wade water in an attempt to attract the attention of labels that don't take any time to send out emails telling us whether or not our mixes have an ounce of chutzpah or how we can network to other labels that might willingly receive the work.

I'm once again being overly dramatic, there's a lot I'm not doing to help myself (I avoid uploading to Spotify for example). I'm sure my perspective lacks a lot of nuance but I'm still trying to process feelings from the money I spent producing the $pare ¢hange EP back in September and the lack of any attention it's gotten. My end goal with any EP is to break even. This time the EP was produced at a cost but it's not the lack of profit I'm upset about, it's the lack of any real traction after doing this shit for so long. I'm hardly unique, many artists exist in weird antisocial bubbles. I've spent some of my personal money over the years trying to support my peers knowing full well that they probably feel the same way that I do from time to time. Being a creative person fucking sucks when your honest attempts to try and promote your work get written off as obnoxious, annoying, or inconvenient to a community that's supposedly all about what you do. I'm not about to create an alt to push my music or beg them for their love.

The older I get the more I want to become some kind of care-free unicorn that survives on candy and grass but it only becomes more obvious that I crave hard sought attention. I complain about my own EP sales while telling people to pirate my work because it's honestly not about the money. I just want some of these assholes to look at my music for a moment and realize that I have a fucking soul. I want my music to convey all of my existential dread and angst. Similarly, I want to make music that contains all of my joy and optimism but I've clearly biased towards making the first couple. At the very least I can promise that I will have the integrity to continue to make atonal noise until I die. The only way I can reasonably deal with reality is by continuing to disassociate from it, sometimes from the perspective of a drum kit or sometimes from inside of a DAW. Whatever happens in the long run, I've decided that my life will ultimately be defined by the near constant redefining of whatever it is I'm supposed to be or whatever I'm supposed to sound like.

On a slightly lighter note, have a wonderful day! Use your time on this planet to find meaning and foster the best feelings you can fester up for yourselves and your loved ones. Play games, do drugs, have sex, make art. When life gives you cold precipitation, make a shark. 

~ Quarl

CALLING OUT [name redacted], FIGHT ME D:<

Edit: I redacted Nick's name from the title because he never reacted to the post despite this being a love letter to his music festival. When people don't speak up I just assume they hate me or I fucked up somehow. All is well...

Ignore the combative nature of the title of this post. Nick is a good person but he's in my mind right now from a conversation we recently had in Austin Texas at his Astronox music and arts festival. For the unaware, Nick has an account on Newgrounds, FatKidWithAJetpack. Many years ago, Nick uploaded a ton of tasty ambient works produced in Garageband, which is the same program I used circa 2006-2007. One track he uploaded grabbed my attention because it was literally just a loop from the Garageband loop library called "catwalk loop 2" or something. He brought it up at the festival so I figured he's still bugging a little from it.

Newgrounds can probably feel a little gate-keepy for young new music producers as there can be hard modship against covering, remixing, and sampling while being incredibly lax on people like me. I've always felt grateful that those in charge seem to ignore a lot of my sample usage. At the end of the day, Newgrounds is a small operation of misfits and I'm just glad to feel like I have a space to goof off. If someone is looking the other way every time I drop some Captain Falcon grunts, thank you <3

Back to Nick, he now runs an incredible little festival called Astronox with plenty of good vibes. I had the opportunity to attend the festival mostly because my maid of honor EchozAurora was making the trip out to Astronox so I decided to beg my husband for the camp gear despite us having just spent a small fortune on a wedding, a tractor, and a bunch of musical instruments. I knew it would be fun. Nick has curated, organized, and hosted an incredibly fun event! If you're in the area I'd highly recommend doing it up next year!

I love events with copious numbers of creative people of many practices, disciplines, and backgrounds. Some of my favorite events included the 2016 Pico Day event at the NG office, the 2017 North American Beatbox Championships, four years of art school at Alfred University, and now Astronox. As creatives it's good to be social and to get out of the house. Inspiration doesn't happen in a vacuum, so go meet people and experience life! See beauty in all forms of creativity. Some of my favorite artists to talk to at Astronox were actually the food vendors. These creative geniuses literally put some of their food mashups into cut up Tostito bags, look at this bomb ass menu:

If that menu isn't impressing you, try being stoned for five days straight. I bought so much food from this vendor. The tacos were authentic but those garbage Tostito bags existed in their own dimension of flavor and texture c':

While at the festival Nick said something along the lines of "I really need to check out your music" and I saw a small wave of disgust cross his face when I responded with something along the lines of "you know where it is." To make things a little easier for him if he takes the time to read this, the remainder of my post is a gentle push towards some of my best work:

These three songs are hands down my proudest.

I love putting $pare ¢hange at the front of the catalog because it shows off some of my love for ideas stemming from the Romantic masters of European music. Many Newgrounds artists focus entirely on orchestral music but I prefer hearing classical sounds get progressively spliced into contemporary genres and ideas. I had the privilege to take piano lessons and music history at Alfred University. Romantic masters of the 1800s had all sorts of creative legroom not afforded to previous generations of European composers. While the arpeggios in Spare Change are fairly basic and the horns chromatic, I feel like I managed to nail a cinematic sound not previously realized in older tunes. The time signature begins in triple, moves to a duple rhythm, then ends again in a rubato orchestral triple meter. The original song was entirely triple meter but swapping that drum rhythm out for a duple rhythm gave the synth patch a new found freedom from the original triple meter. I've never gotten so lucky with experimental ideas... 

Sounds Nothing Alike sounds obnoxiously similar in tone and style to $pare ¢hange but I always return to it because of the mixdown and groove. Perhaps not the kind of Dubstep most would listen to as it's more electro and dance oriented? As for the third track, Absoluetly No Contrtol, I've always had a good relationship with hipsters having been a gatekeepy youth myself at one time. Absolutely No Control is the edgiest shit I've ever managed to write. My younger self would probably grunt and foot tap in massive approval. I make so much more than edgy and angry shit though, never wanted to get trapped in a little box. The following tracks are some of my favorites that don't grime:

I was really lucky to get to work on We Are Finally Free. A graphic artist here, RickStuebens was learning guitar and posted some of his licks on Discord. I sampled them and made little guitar loops out of them. I'll always look back to youthy highchool days as the paragon of what music should be. Back then we were just dumb kids with fancy instruments and big dreams gathering ourselves on weekends to share jams and experiment. We Are Finally Free embodies an experimental vibe much like a jam session. Random instruments bashfully weave melodies in and out of a driving rhythm and bass. Rick's guitar loops tie the whole song together with a constant lullaby. This was a fun project to share.

Us Chapter 3 is a highlight song from a multi year animation project with Bleak-Creep. In a previous blog I posted an image from my wedding of us standing shoulder to shoulder. I kind of made her a "brides maid" to coax her out for the wedding but working with her on Us meant alot to me. As a transwoman I'm always torn between role model visibility and living a peaceful life of conformity far away from society. Us was a chance to branch out of my grimey dance music and spread my wings as a pianist to help create a piece of LGBT media that might help guide, entertain, or educate others. I was such an angry kid but Newgrounds was always a haven. Us is something soft and beautiful inside a chaotic sea of hentai and furries...

The Feeling You Feel Right Now, I'm Feeling It Too was written after some of the best drug fueled sex in my life. A friend Sean once said something along the lines of "IDM is the most perfect form of music humans have ever created" and while I disagree with him entirely, the genre is still one I massively love. If you're feeling adventurous you can return to 2008 when I wrote "Aeronautics" and hear some of the same vibes and sounds. I don't think it's particularly hard to write uninspired IDM given that the genre lends itself to experimentation but done with the right inspiration it can be a timeless sound.

The previous six songs are among my favorites and they represent the directions I'm always torn in. Though I'm not always busily writing new music for the catalog, I play everyday. Whether it's my drum kit, a guitar, or a piano I'm always grinding away. When the music studio is finally done, expect some folky punk or some grungy rock. One final piece of media to share, this video was an experiment to get me on track towards new goals:

Continuity Error is a mish mash of genres, techniques, and ideas. The dreams I once had in highschool to animate cartoons and make videos were lost over the years to a greater desire to make noise and pay bills. Things are coming full circle now. I'm living my happiest days and I feel young again. Thank you for anyone that felt obligated to read past the click bait and engage with this blog <3

UNLESS YOUR NAME IS NICK SUMBLES, FIGHT ME. I WILL HEADLOCK YOUR DICK D:<

Banner Illustration: Troisnyx

NEW EP $pare ¢hange, BandCamp, Supplies Unlimited (wav)

I know I put out an announcement somewhat recently but this post is mandatory in the memory of the money I just tossed around for illustrations. Technically I didn't have to toss Garden any money but I did BECAUSE I LOVE HER, NO ONE CAN TAKE HER FROM ME D:<

Massive shout out to Troisnyx and Bleak-Creep for their talent that's lending me a fresh new look. My last post was to declare that I needed artists for a new EP and my original hope was to commission some under privileged fresh-out-of-art-school cutie with fire in their eyes and big dreams. I went with two old friends instead because I was pretty confident I'd get good work from them and Bleak-Creep literally said "Wtf, you let me make you some EP art for free now!" 

I snuck her a friendly tip via PayPal when she was done BECAUSE I LURV MY FRIEND SO MUCH and it felt right. It didn't necessarily feel right paying only Troisnyx and not Bleak-Creep, I love both of my friends. The PayPal account is a happy rainy day fund from old contests and BandCamp sales, I try to forget about it so I have small currencies laying around to encourage stuff like this:

EP Illustration: Bleak-Creep

I'm so happy with the two drawings. I think it's worth pointing out that I didn't want to guide them too much. I like it when artists feel things out and make things they want to make. I jokingly told Troisnyx:

I wasn't expecting her to get back to me with an illustration featuring literal "big monies eating smaller monies" or "a personified gang of teeth trading organs in back alley ways" but I kind of got what I asked for and love it. Very adorable interpretation of an odd request. She had also mentioned something about working on a dumpster fire so I asked her to throw that in too because I love dumpster fires. She kept the color scheme Bleak-Creep used to the best of her ability and it's really lending a nice new tone to the Bandcamp layout. I made a few small edits to her work to fit my Bandcamp page and add valuable visual information. Reducing the file size hurt, I can see some of the loss but I do love adding text to stuff and I think it looks fine. Hopefully she doesn't mind:

I wanted to shout out Garnet-Frost and MindChamber for their illustration work on the old BandCamp layout but it looks like Garnet-Frost changed her user name to "ERROR — No user "garnet-frost" exists in our system." For posterity, here's the work she applied to my old page:

Shut up, I know I haven't activated Windows. I'd photoshop the watermark out from the bottom right corner of the above screenshot but I actually adore the obnoxious guilt trip Microsoft is doing. COME AND GET ME BILL GATES, I WON'T ACTIVATE YOUR PROPRIETARY OS, FUCK YOU. I'M SO BADASS. I'M NEVER ACTIVATING WINDOWS. PUT 100 WATERMARKS ON MY MONITOR, NERD D:<

...and like I had mentioned, MindChamber had done a previous EP illustration as well at about the same time as the last Bandcamp update and I love bringing it up:

Tom and I made some progress on the music studio. We started putting up dry wall and I've come to the conclusion that drywall is the shittiest material for building with. We bought a drywall lift to hoist these panels up to the ceiling but we may have destroyed a board which will set us back. You can buy some really expensive drywall lifts, you can rent them, or you can do what we did and buy the cheapest piece of shit dry wall lift available in a small middle-of-nowhere Colorado town.

The lift we have doesn't conform the drywall panel to the exact angle or bend of the ceiling and the little bit of force from gravity the drywall puts on itself by not conforming to the ceiling leads to screws ripping through the board. I usually like to include pictures of the build for a veneer of educational reflection but this time I'm only posting the one above. Drywall is fucking hellish. We also got electricity moved in, wires routed, breakers installed, router for internet, lights purchased but it's all for next time. If anyone has an interest in the studio construction, I've been documenting it regularly for over a year now: 

Music Studio Construction ACTIVATED, Studio Build- Raising The Roof, Poverty Hot Tub, Music Studio Construction Postponed

We didn't have much time to work on the studio this year because we had to prep for the wedding instead. If you're curious about the wedding check out the post: Living My Best Life

One final reminder to check out the new $pare ¢hange EP and help me recoup some of those art funds! Like the total sell-out that I am I've deactivated free downloads for all my music currently available on BandCamp. I will jokingly accept that some of you may pirate my music, just don't claim that my work is your own and remember to ask for permission before using it somewhere else! I like knowing where my music goes. If you use an audio program to rip my music files I want you to immediately title the file and meta data it with my name and information so you always know where the tune came from. These added steps are meant to encourage support but I know some of you are kids with no monies. Just enjoy the music and live happy lives, don't feel bad about ripping my audio for listening pleasure. You might learn something, the Audacity.

If anyone is near Austin Texas, I'll be heading to the Astronox Music and Arts Festival in late October and camping there. 5 day passes are available, so are one day passes! The festival is actually run by an old Newgrounds personality, FatKidWithAJetpack and my maid of honor EchozAurora will be going with her girlfriend:

$pare ¢hange EP, listen or die!

I. Need New EP Art

EDIT: This is embarrassing but I'm letting Bleak-Creep do the art because she's amazeballs. This section still has some relevant information about the new EP and a change in my Free Downloads so I'm editing it to deflect any further applications. Sorry if I got any one's hopes up :C

My last EP was just a bunch of crap tossed together during the 2022 Jamuary song a day challenge, it was $12 for 30 songs and I made a grand total of $0. This time, I'm just tossing some random shit together and making it a "pay what you want" EP called "$pare ₵hange". The Pay-What-You-Want method kind of goes with the theme of spare change but I have some bad news about accessibility; today I'm removing free downloads from the tracks I've stuffed onto past EPs.

(Check my BandCamp or Playlists to see which songs are being limited.)

I'm fucking old by some standards and have no real income. Most of my financial stability revolves around the fact that I'm married to a breadwinner (lucky me). I've always wanted to keep my music accessible and free but with nothing coming in at 34, I can't justify it anymore. I'm "selling out" by removing downloads for a handful of songs that are also hosted on Bandcamp. Ya'll can still download a ton of my other stuff for free, or you can download a program like Audacity and rip audio straight off your hard drives. For anyone interested in "sampling," many audio programs let you record the sounds coming from your hard drive. I have a massive amount of respect for anyone willing to "steal" my mp3s by doing all the extra leg work, fucking do it losers. FUCKING JUST DO IT. STEAL MY SHIT KIDS D:<

Make sure you give the EP playlist for $pare ₵hange a quick listen. There's a lot of experimental dubstep, progressive genre bending, and a few extra gentle songs that don't fit in at all. I have no idea what the album art should look like, that's entirely up for grabs.

II. Unreleased NGP Episode

For anyone interested, I uploaded an old Newgrounds Podcast interview to my Google Drive for a friend. He kept asking and it never occurred to me to just upload the raw stuff from my own computer, so please thank Dieswyx for this upload. Here's two sloppy unedited hours of people talking: never released NGP episode. Also, Shal learns how to hold a knife:

D:

III. More Wedding Pictures

A small Easter egg from my wedding, here's a picture that wasn't included in my last blog because it hadn't been uploaded to the shared folder at the time (or I missed it):

For anyone not familiar, the gorgeous babe on the right is Bleak-Creep. I invited her and her boyfriend to my wedding after finishing work on the Us cartoon series. The fact that she and Danny flew out from Minneapolis made her visit all the more special. She gifted me with some additional illustrations, haven't digitized them yet. Honestly, I've considered asking her to do the art for the new EP but I'm currently AWOL on Discord and I feel like a bad friend. I hide my shame by becoming an invisible person. SHAME ON ME, SHAME. NO AMOUNT OF INVISIBILITY CAN HIDE MY EMBARRASMENT.

Oh, I also forced her to draw in my 2016 Pico Day sketch pad. This sketch book is getting a little worn from all the abusive years but it's still an absolute treasure:

IV. Music Studio Construction

Work on the music studio progressed some. We got the materials to insulate, a drywall lift for the ceiling work, lights, wires, breakers... it's slow work on our own but one day this dream will be real:

I'm not sure how Tom feels about the fact that I snapped this picture of him doing the electrical, but I like having documentation of everything he's doing for me. Naturally I don't get any pictures of the work that I'm doing too but I also have no problem admitting that Tom is the brains of this operation. He'd probably have finished the studio by now if I wasn't such a total bitch all the time, this is totally my fault. EVERY MOMENT IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, LEARN FROM EVERY MOMENT.

Studio things were slow this year from all the work we had to put into our wedding. Couldn't have asked for a better time from the wedding. Despite the slow moving shed there are other projects we have been getting done. We heated the cabin in previous years with a pellet stove but have recently installed electric heat pumps (on our own, like every other project). Tom is adding more battery power to the house to compensate for electric heat:

That last picture has one of the outside units visible on the house, under the left window. We used the Kubota to help lift it into place & dig trenches, I snapped the picture before Tom could see me.

Outro Feelings

If anything about that first section about not making any money from my music seemed like a pity grab, this outro is reassurance that I would rather you people spend that money on yourselves. My life is great, the pictures I included are evidence of how good things really are. I could honestly afford to pay an artist more than $100 for the EP illustration but I've previously charged $100 for OSTs and that's where the amount comes from. I've stayed affordable, kept my music free in most instances. Feel free to negotiate with me over illustrations, it's a tough economy. I look forward to checking out some art. I gotta wrap this blog up, Tom wants to do some more work on the shed and I still haven't shut off downloads. I STILL HAVEN'T SHUT OFF MY DOWNLOADS, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, GO DOWNLOAD ALL MY MUSIC FOR FREE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, DOWNLOAD IT BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PIRATE IT, DOWNLOAD THE SPARE CHANGE EP BEFORE I FORCE YOU TO BUY IT ON BANDCAMP, DO IT, FUCKING DO IT D:<

edit: I just removed the ability to download all of my old Bandcamp music. Spare Change EP isn't on Bandcamp yet, download these songs now before I make it slightly harder to get them for free.

Turns out the above text/JPEG format doesn't do well on mobile. AHHHHHHH- QUICKLY, DISTRACT THEM WITH IMAGES D:

^Shout out to my girl squad Bleak-Creep and EchozAurora. In the above picture they're furthest left and second furthest left respectively.

I'm unintentionally collecting a small folder of people holding our chickens...

:')

^Apart from the wedding we also got a new tractor to help with projects around the homestead. Construction on the music studio can resume now that the wedding is over. We picked up a ton of insulation batts, gang boxes for switches and lights, dry wall sheets, a dry wall lift to do the ceiling, and a few other things. More pictures when we make some progress on it. I suppose I got one final wedding Easter egg for anyone curious enough to watch a short video of my husband and I kissing, LOOK AT US. LOOK AT US KISSING, IT'S SO GROSS D: D:

An honest statement: a major reason I'm posting this private stuff here is because I grew up on this website. I was an angry kid, self destructive, and harbored thoughts of suicide. I'd like to inspire some of you to survive your darkest periods to get to moments like this. Aspire to make amazing things and meet amazing people. Live a life with adventures, take a few calculated risks, and put some importance on making the people around you happy. Be role models for each other and aim your creative paths towards a steady life. Make some good mistakes, get a stupid tattoo:

Perfect, a wonderfully stupid tattoo. Truly my favorite. I think I'll end the blog here for lack of more real news. I suppose I could share four WIPs I wasn't planning on finishing, for anyone curious: [1],[2],[3],[4]. Not sure how I feel about these...

Regardless, thanks for stopping by and glancing at stuff! Stay healthy kids! No trouble is good trouble.