Been inactive lately, here's an update! I'm living the best years of my life right now, I fucking love my life. I've also gotten really burnt out on Newgrounds, the community here, and putting in any effort whatsoever in regards to socializing. When I moved off grid and far away from everything, I had a feeling something like this might happen with my relationship to society but I was hopeful that I'd get more involved with online communities. After a few years up on this mountain; fuck y'all too, the internet is a stupid place.

I've made a statement in a past blog to be weary of the dangers of pulling yourself apart emotionally to appeal to niche communities. Newgrounds is exactly that, a niche community with some incredibly talented people going absolutely nowhere. Back in 2008 I received advice from Ian Slider that if I wanted a career in music I had to "get off Newgrounds." Didn't listen, spent a good chunk of my life here and I don't regret it. This place has its perks but I'm just so invested in my own life right now that I don't give any fucks anymore. I'm not even doing much with my life per se, changed my profile occupation to waifu to reflect where I'm at mentally.

For 15 years I threw myself into the landscaping industry and learned as much as I could from horticulture to machine operation. I saw so many people losing themselves in that industry to addiction, alcohol abuse, pain meds, overdose... the irony right now is that I'm also using like crazy but none of the substances I'm into right now feel wrong. It all compounds back into my marriage. A massive source of my happiness right now comes from sex, drugs, and music. Sue me.

I could go on all day about how mad society makes me and how good drugs make me feel but instead I'm going to share a sampling of my date night playlist for funzorz, random segue. Given the general vibe from the music I upload to Newgrounds I doubt many of you would suspect that I'm really into funk, soul, disco, RnB... I've even developed a taste for "pop" and whatever it means in the context of human music. Here's a fun one, love the work put into the choreography:

Anderson Pak has been entertaining the FUCK out of us:

^It's so fucking corny and melodramatic, a little sexist but it paints such a silly drama I can't take it seriously. It's just fun bullshit. I missed out on a lot of fun music over the years because I was really stuck in certain feedback loops. Great example, I didn't notice Two Door Cinema when I was into the indy sound, but some of their toons have grown on me and they still tour, so:

Dated a guy in my mid to late 20s that loved Childish Gambino and The Weeknd. I share these tunes with my husband now, years after they've grown on me:

Why iii Love The Moon by PHONY PPL came into my playlist last night but I guess I'll be listening to it more so here you go:

Bored yet? Here's some Gorillaz you fucking slobs, love it or die:

Tom Misch has been worming his way into my playlists, I didn't even realize I watched him on Youtube jamming with FKJ a couple years ago. These two are super talented:

That sax solo above reminded me, I fucking love this next one by LEISURE. Modest saxophone pay off @ 2:50:

Even though I haven't been writing music I've been playing daily, honing improvisational skills around beat boxing accompanied by some lax guitar and piano, inspired somewhat by the sounds I shared above. Really need to get into the loop station I bought ages ago. I've written lyrics for some of my material but in preparation for open mic I've swapped those out for the lyrics to Hit Me Baby One More Time and Break Stuff because I thought it was funny. Given that those kinds of songs require a mechanical license to share on social media I'll probably never showcase the material online but I'm trying to paint the image that I'm finding new inspiration every day. When I start writing again I'll try to bring good vibes into it but I'm so entirely done with competing for attention, self-promotion, and begging people for listens. Despite a fulfilling sex life I HATE feeling like a slut when I'm trying to get people to listen to my music. You either know where it is or you don't.

I do not fit in with what the world wants me to be but I've found absolute happiness, enlightenment in just being a loving wife. Suppose a lot of that stems from being a transwoman, a fact I usually wait until a few paragraphs into a blog to mention because I know the average Newgrounds user can't read. This feels like a relatively safe place to share personal details despite the world becoming increasingly hostile towards trans people. I've retreated into the arms of the one person that is there for me, the one person that makes me feel good. I'm happy but paradoxically lonely. Music was something I got into so I could make friends but now I'm so tired of everyone but I also kind of miss humanity? Mixed bag, big feelings. At least I still have one person in my life that I can share it all with.

I hope I'll rediscover whatever it is I loved about this place but for now I'm just jamming out in my own space. Music still drives me but it doesn't come from a desire to become famous, collect recognition, get rich, or appeal to niche communities. Making music has become a very solitary experience but I'm sharing the stuff I find with my husband, growing our taste in music together. I'm becoming equally intimate with my instruments so that when I one day decide to rejoin society I'll have something worth sharing with it. If I die before that can happen, cool. I'm so fucking done with this planet. Here's one more song to exit on, another talented soloist doing his thing. Peace out:

tldr: fought off a grizzly bear with a toothbrush, taught him proper hygiene, paid his college tuition. I'm so proud of him, fr.