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Quarl
Cory F. Jaeger @Quarl

Age 35, ♀ she/her

Alfred University

Groundhog Lake, Colorado

Joined on 5/30/05

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For people that like random blogs and random music.

Posted by Quarl - December 14th, 2024

Been inactive lately, here's an update! I'm living the best years of my life right now, I fucking love my life. I've also gotten really burnt out on Newgrounds, the community here, and putting in any effort whatsoever in regards to socializing. When I moved off grid and far away from everything, I had a feeling something like this might happen with my relationship to society but I was hopeful that I'd get more involved with online communities. After a few years up on this mountain; fuck y'all too, the internet is a stupid place.


I've made a statement in a past blog to be weary of the dangers of pulling yourself apart emotionally to appeal to niche communities. Newgrounds is exactly that, a niche community with some incredibly talented people going absolutely nowhere. Back in 2008 I received advice from Ian Slider that if I wanted a career in music I had to "get off Newgrounds." Didn't listen, spent a good chunk of my life here and I don't regret it. This place has its perks but I'm just so invested in my own life right now that I don't give any fucks anymore. I'm not even doing much with my life per se, changed my profile occupation to waifu to reflect where I'm at mentally.


For 15 years I threw myself into the landscaping industry and learned as much as I could from horticulture to machine operation. I saw so many people losing themselves in that industry to addiction, alcohol abuse, pain meds, overdose... the irony right now is that I'm also using like crazy but none of the substances I'm into feel wrong. It all compounds back into my marriage. A massive source of my happiness right now comes from sex, drugs, and music. Sue me.


I could go on all day about how mad society makes me and how good drugs make me feel but instead I'm going to share a sampling of my date night playlist for funzorz, random segue. Given the general vibe from the music I upload to Newgrounds I doubt many of you would suspect that I'm really into funk, soul, disco, RnB... I've even developed a taste for "pop" and whatever it means in the context of human music. Here's a fun one, love the work put into the choreography:



Anderson Paak has been entertaining the FUCK out of us:



^It's so fucking corny and melodramatic, a little sexist but it paints such a silly drama I can't take it seriously. It's just fun bullshit. I missed out on a lot of fun music over the years because I was really stuck in certain feedback loops. Great example, I didn't notice Two Door Cinema when I was into the indy sound, but some of their tunes have grown on me and they still tour, so:



Dated a guy in my mid to late 20s that loved Childish Gambino and The Weeknd. I share these tunes with my husband now, years after they've grown on me:




Why iii Love The Moon by PHONY PPL came into my playlist last night but I guess I'll be listening to it more so here you go:



Bored yet? Here's some Gorillaz you fucking slobs, love it or die:



Tom Misch has been worming his way into my playlists, I didn't even realize I watched him on Youtube jamming with FKJ a couple years ago. These two are super talented:



That sax solo above reminded me, I fucking love this next one by LEISURE. Modest saxophone pay off @ 2:50:



Even though I haven't been writing music I've been playing daily, honing improvisational skills around beat boxing accompanied by some lax guitar and piano, inspired somewhat by the sounds I shared above. Really need to get into the loop station I bought ages ago. I've written lyrics for some of my material but in preparation for open mic I've swapped those out for the lyrics to Hit Me Baby One More Time and Break Stuff because I thought it was funny. Given that those kinds of songs require a mechanical license to share on social media I'll probably never showcase the material online but I'm trying to paint the image that I'm finding new inspiration every day. When I start writing again I'll try to bring good vibes into it but I'm so entirely done with competing for attention, self-promotion, and begging people for listens. Despite a fulfilling sex life I HATE feeling like a slut when I'm trying to get people to listen to my music. You either know where it is or you don't.


I do not fit in with what the world wants me to be but I've found absolute happiness, enlightenment in just being a loving wife. Suppose a lot of that stems from being a transwoman, a fact I usually wait until a few paragraphs into a blog to mention because I know the average Newgrounds user can't read. This feels like a relatively safe place to share personal details despite the world becoming increasingly hostile towards trans people. I've retreated into the arms of the one person that is there for me, the one person that makes me feel good. I'm happy but paradoxically lonely. Music was something I got into so I could make friends but now I'm so tired of everyone but I also kind of miss humanity? Mixed bag, big feelings. At least I still have one person in my life that I can share it all with.


I hope I'll rediscover whatever it is I loved about this place but for now I'm just jamming out in my own space. Music still drives me but it doesn't come from a desire to become famous, collect recognition, get rich, or appeal to niche communities. Making music has become a very solitary experience but I'm sharing the stuff I find with my husband, growing our taste in music together. I'm becoming equally intimate with my instruments so that when I one day decide to rejoin society I'll have something worth sharing with it. If I die before that can happen, cool. I'm so fucking done with this planet. Here's one more song to exit on, another talented soloist doing his thing. Peace out:



tldr: fought off a grizzly bear with a toothbrush, taught him proper hygiene, paid his college tuition. I'm so proud of him, fr fr.

13

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Leavesz

"a fact I usually wait until a few paragraphs into a blog to mention because I know the average Newgrounds user can't read."

Lol. I might not be the average NG user then. I do like reading your posts, they've gotten so indifferent in a good way.

Coincidentially I've been listening to more "pop" music lately too. After 2 years of blasting underground garbage every second of the day mainstream music became something I can honestly appreciate, it is so refreshing and I feel stupid for consciously ignoring it so much. I might listen to these recs later if I don't forget (although I'm really likely to just forget).

Good luck with life, I hear that can be difficult sometimes.

Quarl

Thanks Leavesz! I'm impressed you read all that and didn't think to just play the tunes in the background. The music isn't going to be to everyone's taste but I've come to appreciate the kind of music that slowly endears itself to you. Having the intimacy to share it with someone close is the best feeling, save these tunes for when you have that too! You're young friend, enjoy life :]

JimmyTheCaterpillar

i really loved reading this post. i wish you the absolute best in things, though we don't know each other. I am also in a strange place balancing my absolute dream of a love life with nurturing creative ambition.

we as trans people can find our definition of success and happiness -- no one can really prevent that, despite the efforts. keep living your best life <3

Quarl

Y tu Caterpillar! Thank you for stopping by and having a stroll through the words. I love it when people enjoy the intimate stuff, good luck in all your ambitions!

Leavesz

@Quarl Well I'm just not capable of such intelligent decisions (had my shuffle playlist in the background and it was getting to the good part and I didn't want to pause it abruptly) :p

Listening to them now, except Dare, I've already looped that one a lot in the past.

Quarl

Dated a girl in college that loved Gorillaz, every few years I remember they exist and dive back in. Cracker Island has been getting lots of plays <3

OnlyHereForNostalgia

Y'know, music has also become like my therapy, and now here I am also making my own. I'm a rock music person rather than pop, but I like both genres, and love seeing that you stayed on Newgrounds. This site is absolutely full of talented people going nowhere, but there ain't anything like it, I tells ya.
Can I get a witness?

Quarl

Amen Nostalgia! I'll give your tunes a listen in the morning, 4:22 in the morning cuddled up right now :3

larrynachos

Feels like summer is a vibe, listened to it a lot when it came out and when it shows up in my soundcloud shuffle it takes me back to that time.

My favorite Gorillaz song is Do Ya Thang :)

I wish everyone who says to succeed you need to get off newgrounds a very jacket gets caught on a door handle. Newgrounds is a great place to grow, and you can always branch out to more marketable platforms while still coming home to daddy fulp

Quarl (Updated )

Just put on Do Ya Thang, Gorillaz are an entire groove, their own sound. I'm genetically unable to get off Newgrounds, my entire body refuses to make a Spotify because one or two people were like "THEY HATE ARTISTS, CORPO SCUM, POOP." Was like, "valid arguement. I'm convinced." This is my weird home :3

Marc-Ant

Very nice the selection of music you have to recommand and I also truly hope you and your husband keep up having an excellent life full of hapiness and good opportunities like in the music industry.

Quarl

Everyday we reaffirm our love for each other. I'm so lucky to have found my soul mate. I really wish that everyone could be so lucky.

SchattenDnB

I honestly relate to this post a lot. There gets to a point in life where you may sometimes want to hide yourself away, so you kind of stop speaking. Not even because you're hurt, but because you're burnt out with everything. However, the constant reminder that life goes on and that there is always something happening is a major reason for hiding too. we often retreat to things that'd make us feel less alone during moments like this, Whether that be creating art, or something else. It's like going into a tunnel, it's a bit lonely, but as you keep moving forward, you start to gain a new appreciation/understanding for the things you once enjoyed. And that may inspire new interests too, or things that you've been wanting to get into.

I relate to getting into things you didn't think you would have. Pop music is rad. Lately i've been getting into building gunpla, i've always wanted to try it, so right around my 21st i bought a few sets, found myself in a rabbit hole and got inspired to try doing stop motion for again for the first time since middle school.

I think i've lost track of where i'm going with this. But to end this response off, we all need a break every once in awhile, I wish you all the best in this life. Take care, it's always a pleasure seeing your posts on here.

Ps. two door cinema club is fire

Quarl (Updated )

Thank you for stopping by Schatten! Feel free to lose track of anything when visiting these blogs, I love seeing essays. People have deep feelings and memories, so many will one day be lost because they were never written down or they were deemed unimportant. Imagine, 50,000 years from now when the cockroach people send their archaeologists to excavate the human civilization ruins and they find an old, technologicaly primitive machine. They boot it up, check the cookies, and find us here talking about Two Door Cinema Club. They respond by touching their antanea and trading thoughts via electrical signals. We could never hope to comprehend the machinations of the superior cockroach race but at least when they look down on us they'll know that for a brief moment we were here and we liked music ❤️

SHE-RE

Heya, I just read this and wanted to say I can very much relate to the feeling burnt out on socializing and music being a solitary experience. I'm in the middle of something similar, I think, so it's nice to read about the silver linings and good things you have going, and also that you're still keeping up with music. I know for me having the creative outlet makes such a difference — some of the music I make is practically journaling. And I wasn't aware of your bandcamp! I think I'll have a browse/listen through later today. (Also if you ever do want an appreciative ear for something you made, feel free to send a message, I would love to hear it!)

Also wanted to say I love Why iii Love the Moon, I listened to it all the time the first time I found it years ago. In fact I was constantly listening to RnB and jazz and adjacent genres around 2015–2018, so it's been a while, and listening to one of my favorites again definitely/unexpectedly brightened my Sunday :)

Quarl

Woohoo, I love the moon has been doing great things with my algorithm playlist when I put it on. I'm glad this was able to revive some memories!

I've seen journaling come up in therapy adjacent topics, it's healthy. Had a professor recommend publishing blog content ages ago as a means to pursue art and music. Each song gives you a chance to take stock of things. No idea if anyone reads the stuff I leave on songs but we're leaving little breadcrumbs. Sometimes people will leave reviews on songs I wrote 20 years ago... any reason you switched up your accounts? I've made new ones over the years to try to rebrand and experiment but I always go back to Quarl... if you told me before than sorry for asking again, was just curious <3

SHE-RE

@Quarl I don't think I ever told you! My old username was derived from my deadname and it had been a really long time since I posted to that account. So posting to that account again didn't feel right. I could have changed the username on that account, but then anyone out of the loop wouldn't be able to find that account anymore. And I liked the idea of starting over and leaving the old account as it was (mostly) to sort of memorialize who I was and the music I made and the experience I had here.

Bleak-Creep

I missed this one again, but I miss you! We haven't talked proper in forever, and I don't go on Facebook enough to really see what you're up to...Will miss those Jamuary tracks this year, but I also totally understand how something like that can burn you out for a good long while too.

Sending warmth and hugs your way!

Quarl

Aw, thanks dear! Hugs and warmth received, catalogued, laminated, and filed away for safe keeping. I logged onto Discord the other day to help Tom with something and had a mild heart attack when I saw all the notifications. I've found alot of peace away from social media. Tom says hi, just now he said hi! Been thinking about you, nothing weird though. Just random thoughts like "hope she's doing ok" and "I wonder how many shineys Dan has caught."

Bleak-Creep

@Quarl Danny has caught so many shinies, my god. I think time away from social media is about the best thing a person can possibly do for themselves these days tbh. I’ve got an awful lot of anxiety about the next 10 years or so, but I feel like all I can really try to do is make the best of it, and try to make a little home in all the chaos.

We should still talk proper sometime soon though! I wanna see more photos of the stars and see how your studio’s coming along too!

Quarl

If I get approved for the 30 year anniversary audio collab I'll be logged in to do some audio stuff, I'll let you know on Discord when I'm plugging away. Will have to tear myself away from Forspoken though, I've been grinding away at it. Realized I could collect cats in that game and now I'm hooked.

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