I was having a conversation with a trans man and came to an interesting realization of a certain point during our transitions. It was a mutual experience, a shared period of passing from one gender to the other. Despite our opposite goals it’s as if we had crossed paths somewhere in the middle, looked each other in the eyes, and eerily kept on walking without saying a word. He had described a small feeling of sadness looking back at the person that he used to be.
It was a dark and somber moment. It’s a strange feeling of looking at old self portraits and seeing someone else. It’s like looking at someone that is no longer with you. Like an ex boyfriend or girlfriend: that person just feels gone forever. The sad feeling was brief but it made me realize that I’m a completely different person now. I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been. Right after I started my hormones I knew that I had found the chemicals I had been missing. All of my feelings started to fall into place. It was as if everything got a little brighter. I’ll always wish I had the resources to transition sooner but life isn’t perfect. Sometimes life can damn near suck.
I’m not a very spiritual person but I do have a fondness for the Native American beliefs in dual spirited people. Two spirits intertwined. While I may have been sad for a few seconds reflecting on an old life, I’m happy now looking back on the moment. It no longer feels like that Cory is gone forever. He just passed me the torch. We will see each other again at some giant reunion party of past lives. He’ll be dangling from some chandelier and doing parkour.
Edit: There's also a slight chance he'll be regrettably drunk and possibly hitting on me but I know him well enough to just laugh it off and later I can draw on him with a marker.