Feeling overwhelmed because I typed too much? A table of contents to help you skip things:

Section I: Where is Quarl?

It's been a few months and I'm starting to let certain creative projects slip from my focus. Stopping me from turning my Jamuary tracks into an album is the fact that I still need to contact some of the artists I covered or remixed for clearance. I'm not about to post those tracks to Bandcamp without their permissions and I haven't bothered to take the time to write three or four short private messages. Am feeling hella lazy. I was also slightly deterred at the prospect of remastering 30 tracks, fixing a bad mix down can often feel impossible. If I lack clearance for those covers I'll just throw together an abridged EP featuring the best tracks from those original 30. I don't make any money from EPs so there is very little motivation to do so. I actually don't make any money at the moment, oops.

Section II: Building a Studio Space

Another reason I'm not so active revolves around the equipment my fiance and I have been loading up on. I've been learning how to program my new Alesis Pro SE electronic drum kit and getting the old arms back in shape. I see so much potential for the Alesis as a creative tool, the machine can be programmed to play all sorts of genres.

Here's a neat demo video from SweetWater if you want to see the Alesis kit in action. Eventually I'll make something original with it, we also bought GoPros, and a Model 12 Tascam mixing board.

I've collected a few stem folders from friends on my desktop but the thought of putting in the dirty work necessary to make good remixes feels daunting compared to instant gratification I'm getting from the drum kit. I'm having so much fun with it. Haven't been able to set up my acoustic drums for about 5 years now, my fiance has ASD. He's not super sensitive to loud noises like some aspies but I've always worried about his ears in regards to the drum kit. Don't want to hurt my kitties either, literally all ears can be damaged. Drums are so loud, having a drum kit that can be programmed or even turned "off" is such a godsend.

Another Alesis demo video, drum battle.

We're going to build a studio space this summer for all of our music equipment. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time but have always had to compromise for living situations or budget. Having a dedicated creative space is a huge prospect because a digital space can begin to feel claustrophobic. I currently despise looking at my computer, especially after watching something like this:

Now I want to jam in a salt flat at sunset filmed by drones and surrounded by expensive music equipment, help D:



Section III: Ukraine

There's also the depressing state of affairs in Ukraine right now which is taking up a huge emotional space in my psyche. Tom and I will cycle through news stations through out the day and lament on all the sad images and experiences being created in Ukraine right now. I can't even derive happiness from video games, everything feels so insignificant and selfish. Having a hard time finding the justification to finish an EP that will only sell one copy while Putin is literally threatening a nuclear World War III. How do you people sleep at night? Nuclear war will kill us all.

Section IV: GLBT stuff, skip if hetero

Hopefully I'll get some positive energy when Spring rolls around. I had deleted some thoughts from my last track's commentary because I just felt stupid with everything going on. It takes a constant reminder that my place here on Newgrounds has evolved from "one of the kids" to "one of the adults."

Working with Bleak-Creep on "Us" has me feeling all sorts of things. Role models are an important aspect of life. We all need them. I've been living such an awesome life these last few years, I feel like it's necessary to point out that I've had some really dark years too. There are a lot of young people that roll through Newgrounds and I'm not one of them anymore. I sometimes act spontaneously to try and emulate the creative environment that I grew up in. I can be more than a little impetuous sometimes. There have been some real psychopaths on this website, from time to time I have looked up to them for their work. I don't necessarily want to be one of them.

Awkward segue because I don't like talking about it, I'm a trans woman. I prefer living a normal life, fitting in with the women around me. Standing out and being some kind of role model is an unattractive idea. Out of art school I tried to pioneer some kind of rock'n'roll lifestyle across the country with only $5,000 in my bank account from a quick summer gig. I ended up failing after one year but gained so much from the experience. On the drive to California I stopped for one night in Missouri Springfield to meet a friend from Newgrounds who was going through her own transition. Had I not made that one stop, my entire life would be different. I would visit her again a couple of years later in Miami Florida, where she was rooming with my current fiance. I have a huge amount of respect for Devyn, and look up to her as a tremendous role model. She's a person I continue to feel drawn to because every time I meet her my life seems to change for the better.

I don't like talking about my past or getting outed by people but honestly, I'm in a strange position to be a positive role model. If you're dealing with suicidal or hurt feelings, seek some degree of professional help. I feel a very important step on everyone's journey is to experience new things. So seek out healthy, positive experiences. Do some soul searching, grow, be brave.

In Oakland I'd get sick of the street noises. I had to keep my apartment room window open to vent a smelly litter box. The city cross walks beeped at all hours of the day to help a local deaf community get around the neighborhood. The street sweepers would come through @ 2-3 AM every morning to give people parking tickets. Living close to Korea-town at the time, I slowly learned to tell the difference between fireworks and drive-by shootings. The whole city had undertones of gang activity. There was an impromptu meth lab two doors down from mine run by a guy named Jimmy, sex workers and pimps were busy working unimpeded by the landlords. Oakland was a very difficult time. Felt like I was on my own fighting the world, payed my bills with money from the marijuana industry. I'd make "sanity" car trips about 45 minutes out of San Francisco once a month to sit on the beach of Half Moon Bay to enjoy the peaceful atmosphere and good sounds. I needed that small escape from the city and would sometimes take a few friends that couldn't get out on their own. It was always a wonderful trip and the drive along route 1 was uniquely beautiful.

Oakland itself was hard but it was no where near as hard as losing my mother when I was 25, suicide. A very close cousin passed away shortly after she did, overdose. Because terrible things happen in threes, the dog died of face cancer within three months of everyone else. My sense of color dulled immensely during that time. Everyone experiences tragic loss eventually, maybe Ukraine is reminding me about it. My sense of color eventually came back but I'm going to take this moment to awkwardly segue into the final section...

Section V: Uplifting blog outro that includes an ad for my Bandcamp page

Life is nuts, try to enjoy things. Take a few risks but don't die. Be spontaneous creative machines. Just because you don't become some glamorous rock star doesn't mean you can't live meaningful, creative lives. Travel a little. Be fucking real. And because I'm some huge sell out, check out my Bandcamp page. The only person that bought a digital copy of No Boundaries was the guy that drew up the art, you damn jobless slackers. Don't diss MindChamber like that. Go buy a digital EP and slather yourself in the dissociative feelings my weird-ass music will give you. It's only unpleasant if you choose to experience it with the realistic outlook that it's just a bunch of noise and those noises displease you. Reality can be anything! If my music displeases you, try pretending that it's actually your favorite band, they're trying something new, and you love it.

Section VI: tldr

tldr, yes. very long.

Sincerest feelings,

Quarl