Traveling & Cool People, Cisco Live

If anyone out there is worried about me, fuck off, I'm doing great. I'm always doing great irl. I don't have a filter for Newgrounds though, y'all get to witness the worst of me whoop whoop, shit posts honk honk, clown time.

I'm making a drive to Rochester NY to see some of my husband's family this month. I'll be stopping by the Record Archive to see an old friend from Uni on the 21st. Her fam owns the Record Archive. If you want to swing by you can try to co-ordinate a time with me but it's gonna be a really small window of oppertunity. If you miss me you can always ask Stormy Storms what I look like. I'm so excited to see someone from a past life that I just wish I had more time to spend in that city.

I'll also be in San Diego the week of Cisco Live, June 8th to the 12th. My husbands the geek of the house. I doubt I'll be able to sneak into the event but when he's doing cool tech stuff I'll be roaming the streets getting into knife fights and looking for bath salts to smoke. If anyone wants to knife fight me, let me know. I wanted to test out my butterfly knife. We'll probably do some cool museums and stuff. I haven't done much research on San Diego, what's good there?

COOL PEOPLE:

Don't think I've ever done a post featuring other artists but I think it's finally time. I was having a really deep conversation recently and I realized I should mention a few hotties to show some gratitude for the inspiration or weird vibes they've gifted me:

ADR3-N

I'm sure many of you in the audio community know of ADR3-N. I get a little frustrated when awesome people have less followers than me. This can't be allowed. I mean, likes and followers are a meaningless platitude but this girl is a champion and you should go give her a follow right now. She has range, talent, and a heart of mother fucking diamonds. She packages up samples/resources and offers them for free. Here's a few tracks that blew me away:

Sorohanro

This guy is my daddy, don't tell him I said that though. I creep enough people out as it is. I've been following him since highschool circa 2006. He's a jazz master trumpet playing music genius and a god-tier music educator. He's another artist that deserves way more followers than me, it should be a crime if you're not following him. I'm only seeing one collab with him credited this year but he keeps himself busy in the real world. His YouTube Channel is splendid. He sells his own sample packs too, one or two of which are on my hard drive from a very old contest. Here's some crazy cool videos he's uploaded:

Bleak-Creep

This girl is my fucking idol, if you've followed her or me at all you probably know that though. I found out that she was in the Netherlands recently and making power moves towards aquiring a work visa there. I don't blame her, America is a silly place right now. This girl is a part of my soul and I've been dragging my feet on some music for one of her games. If you think you can pull off some spooky Luigi mansion musics, drop her some audio samples and tell her I sent you. I'm feeling really guilty about a lack of inspiration lately and she doesn't deserve a lazy hack. There is so much audio talent on this website and I'd love for her game to shine!

LD-W

Another music person that deserves way more followers. I'm not sure if he hates me or not right now... he runs the NG Discord channel and I was a fucking hot mess in it. I'm realizing I need to at least apologize for some weird feelings. Sorry guy, I just love sex and drugs too much and can't contain that energy for your Discord channel. I can't help myself in front of the children. I'm not coming back, I'M RUNNING AWAY AND I'M DOING DRUGS AND I'M HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME D:<

His music is fucking awesome though, I love how dedicated he's been to his symphonic dark tunes. When you have the integrity to develop a certain sound for a long time it eventually gets polished like nothing else. He also deserves massive credit for keeping that Discord channel running, hosting some massive contests, and generally being a really good person. Here's a few gems in that elderitch horror vibe:

G2961

Ok, I'm not going to lie. His name kind of confused me for a minute. Screen names like this can momentarily put me at unease because Newgrounds has has a small history of artists that were unauthentic and his tunes are SO FRESH, I've previously thought "there's no way this is legit, it's way too good" but he's earned his place. More so than most actually, he's been very active in the music community here and writes some killer music. I actually envy his sound, top stuff! I'm happy to see he includes screenshots of his projects, so many people upload their music and provide very little data so when the guts of a project gets shared it's fucking candy:

Everratic

Another brilliant symphonic guy, I've had the privlidge to score a couple of his tunes for the AIM which is the art inspired music contest currently ongoing and run by Random-storykeeper. NEW YORK REPRESENT, drops nothing but fire, brutal stuf:

Alright, I could keep going but I should save some people for another post and it's unhealthy to spend all my time on the computer. Mom and dad want me to go play outside. Instead I'm gonna go shove my head up a guitar and wear it like a hat, peace <3 <3

@ADR3-N @sorohanro @Bleak-Creep @LD-W @G2961 @Everratic

Ok, I've cut out all 420 recently. I do this every so often with my husband, we go cold trukey. It's a really good thing to do but a facsinating side effect is a return to dreams. I haven't had dreams in such a long while, forgot how trippy they could be. Once a night you get transported to another place, world, or reality. Memories blend into each other making a gobbly-gook story out of movies you've watched, places you've been, and people you've slept with.

In my dream last night, my husband and I lived in a trailer park. Not sure why but I was walking around the trailer park after a really long night of things I couldn't remember. An ex-girlfriend from high school met me around a corner with make-up schmeared across her face. A chill went down my spine as I suddenly realized I had cheated on my husband and not just with her, but another highschool ex as well. I stammered "WHA-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" I kept trying to remember the night before but I couldn't. A fear fell across me that I had been drugged. When I accused Leane (who was actually just someone I knew and not an ex-girlfriend) of drugging me, a knowing smile fell across her clown make-up schmeared face:

I started yelling, crying, and I ran to my husband. I was catatonic, breathless as I tried to explain to my man that I had been drugged and cheated on him and I didn't know how many times, with who, or anything at all. I had so much trouble getting it out since I was in such a panicked state. He didn't really seem to care, just shrugged his shoulders and went back to whatever he had been doing. I pulled out a fuck notebook and opened it up to a random page. On that page was a tally of how many times I had cheated on him that night... it was an endless fuck tally, scored along side an endless number of names. I dropped the book in front of my husband and ran off into the woods to cry and listen to music I guess. Somewhere along the way I wound up at another ex-girlfriends house. Her parents were selling bunnies, Emily always had a ton of bunny rabbits...

I was really nervous because I had agreed to buy a family of bunnies, like 6 or 8. In my mind I kept thinking "I have nowhere to put these damn bunnies. I don't even have a bunny hutch, why am I doing this? I need to get out of this deal somehow... I don't know how to say no but I don't want to look like a puss in front of Emily's parents... this is out of control...WHY AM I BUYING BUNNIES??" I don't remember how the episode with the bunnies ended. My husband woke me up at some point because he had to make a trip into town today to get a couple honey bee hives. Woke up like...

So if you ever needed a reason not to do drugs, just saying: dreams > drugs. Dreams are just super potent trips and you have them every night. Sleep is important because it's your brain reorganizing things while making you more prepared for random things like zombies and bar fights. I can't wait for the next wiggly arm bar fight, those nightmares are the best. It's like throwing rubber bands at a brick wall with totally useless punches. Ok, I think that's all I wanted to share today. Stay in school, don't do drugs, don't buy bunnies you don't have a hutch for.

Peace.

Seriously though, what happens? Does it just delete all your stuff? Does Tom Fulp magically appear in your house to comfort you with a panini? Do you unlock an achievement like "CONGRATULATIUONS! YOU WIN!" My inner child sees that button and wonders if it's just a massive psychological trick, like does it lead to another page that makes fun of you for trying to escape?

Weird jokes aside, I do wish there was a Facebook-esque temporary deactivation button so that you can take mental breaks or hide your identity from fascist regimes. Perhaps just a setting that makes your main page invisible but keeps your work intact? I've deactivated my Facebook account, feels good to leave it but I know my data is still there. One day I'll log back into Facebook and download all my happy cat videos and old pictures so that I can leave that digital hell scape and never return to their addictive platform and all the manipulative political shit it does. Current global affairs leaves me to wonder if safety will soon become an issue for me. I've always been super open here about my experiences and feelings, to a fault. Would be rather peaceful to just disappear quietly...

Oh mystery button, grant me the freedom I crave. Grant me the wisdom of not giving a shit anymore. "Request" is such an interesting word, what does it even mean? Does clicking that button summon a therapist? I am so fucking curious, can someone link me to the blog post that Tom definitely made when that button was implemented so that I don't have to google it myself? FUCK IT, I'M GOING TO GOOGLE IT MYSELF D:<

Oh fuck, that's actually a legitimately sad webpage. NOW I'M SAD. I guess I have no choice but to go watch John Oliver because his content literally never makes me sad about anything. John Oliver has a way with happy-fun-time content that always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. There is nothing John Oliver can say that can ever bring me down, he is my rock in hard times! He is the joy that brightens my day!

Nevermind, everything is broken. This species is hellbent on making everything worse, there is no god, we are the makers of our own destruction. Everything is fucked, humanity is a paradoxical word that simultaneously represents evil and benevolence but more often than not it represents pure ignorance. I jumped on Reddit yesterday at 4:00 AM to see a video from Pakistan involving recent tensions, escalations, and attacks. The video was nothing the average person hasn't seen through a screen before, just a child with his head blown open, dead and rag-dolled while people held his lifeless body. There is a sort of peace that comes from ignorance, digging your head in the sand. For some there is an illusion that some kind of paradise awaits us when we die but I simply believe in an endless slumber. If heaven requires the knowledge that some of us get to party while children are bombed or dying of hunger somewhere else then none of us deserve peace. A paradise far away from all the suffering is just another escape that solves nothing. We are all monsters.

Oh mystery button, what things could I accomplish if I wasn't here making dumb electronic music? What things could our species accomplish if we didn't need to suffer at the hands of each other? In America we print "In God We Trust" on our currency; dirty paper and coin that buys weapons, enables slavery, and provides ignorance from the cold hard realities that humans perpetuate. A few individuals hold enough of that currency to provide genuine benevolence, lasting peace, education for the masses but it's still just paper, coin, and an unspoken agreement that it represents the toil, sweat, blood, and tears of an oppressed person somewhere else. Fuck our species, fuck our ignorance, fuck our "freedom." Those of us that have studied history see the signs, conflict is always in our future because it is always in our nature.

OH, FUCK YOU ISAYAMA. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A FUN MANGA ABOUT BIG PEOPLE EATING LITTLE PEOPLE... oh. Oh wait... that's the metaphor. It's always about big people eating little people... what the fuck is this blog even about? Damn I wish that button could summon a therapist.

First, for the uninitiated:

I'm a silly drum person, I go bang on my drums but I'm currently learning the above chords for Pachelbel's cannon on guitar. Specifically D, A, Bm, F#m, G, D, G, A in that order, tbh slightly different from what he had to play on a cello as a kid. Why am I; a drum clown, learning one of the worlds most made fun of chord progressions? Am I not afraid that this combination of chords is going to make me gay if I learn it? How will I explain to my husband that I'm learning the gay chords? Is my marriage in jeopardy??

It's a long held music tradition to make fun everything from chord progressions to Nickleback to popular stuff to Insane Clown Posse to entire genres like Country or Riddim. The majority of the time it's a socially learned thing to do and it's wrong. I remember watching a Youtube video warning against this kind of thing from an older musician and how he killed a tour offer for his band. Apparently he reflexively made fun of Nickleback right in front of a scout that was trying to find an opening act for a Nickleback tour. The average person has a lifetime of social hang-ups that could lead to detrimental moments, though that Nickleback thing is an extremely specific example.

A friend I jammed with in middle school once dissed his own song he was working on because it was "just power chords" like that was a bad thing. Me, a drum person, didn't give a shit. I just enjoyed having someone to play with, to share music with. I took piano lessons in college and came to the realization that the interval, a perfect fifth, is fucking everywhere and it's always been that way for hundreds or thousands of years. It's such a huge crutch to look at the core of a creative idea and downplay it for being rudimentary or overdone. Imagine being a graphic artist and hating the colors red, yellow, and blue. "They're just primary colors." As a creative person, it's both tiring and detrimental to have to worry about nothing all the time. Don't do that.

The way people talk about certain chord progressions, I always thought I'd accidentally write a song with Pachelbel's Canon underlying the structure. The odds of that happening, when I only use two chords in the majority of my songs anyways was minimal. The very act of people making fun of specific chord progressions led to a personal writing style that is devoid of chord progressions, fuck. As an adult I don't get to play with others very often. I wish I had some power-chord-loving-Pachelbel-mother-fucker to jam with but I don't because they don't exist because they grew up and became teachers and lawyers instead. People out here are developing phobias towards chord progressions of all things. What happened to being afraid of quicksand and lava? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING AFRAID OF WOOD?

I'm learning the magic chords and when that's done I'm going to learn even more chords. Will my music get better? Probably not but I just want the ability to show up to an open mic night and play the Canon from every pretentious direction imaginable. I want to apply it to weird time signatures and I want to beat box while doing it. I want to find a rapper that can drop some bars on it, bastardize the chords until we're so gay for Pachelbel that our lives fall apart. I'M DOING THE CHORDS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME D:<

I probably have more to say but I just wanted to get this off my chest and I already look perfectly weird. Thank you and have a nice day random person that doesn't care about chords because you came here for hentai.

Contents:

I. Homestead Projects: Cisterns, Reservoirs, & Drinking Water

II. New Drum Kit

III. Role Models: Why I'm Not A Good One

IV. Trans Athletes: Astroturfed

V. tldr, music videos

I. Homestead Projects: Cisterns, Reservoirs, & Drinking Water

I've slowed down with posting about the projects my husband and I do around the property. It's a lot of work to document everything we do and I always feel a little weird sharing but I like to convey the idea that my life isn't just about shit posting on Newgrounds. Certain older projects are still ongoing, such as the music studio which we've just been using as storage space. We still need to install a humidifier, cover floors and walls, finish the siding, etcetera. Unrelated to that project we dug out a spot a couple years ago on the property that finally collected snow melt this year:

The reservoir will need some powdered clay added in order to hold water but seeing as we don't have any water rights for it, probably for the best that it's draining really quick. We won't be able to use any of the water this year for agriculture or bath water but Tom is currently riding around on a Kubota, digging a hole for a new cistern that will hold rain water from the roof:

We already harvest rain water but Tom is constantly improving the system so that we can take as many showers as we want while reserving the treated water for drinking, cooking, and cleaning. I don't think I ever blogged about the manifold Tom engineered, the pumps we use, the filters (slow sand, UV, Charcoal, and RODI). When you move off grid into the middle of nowhere water becomes more than half the battle. We can pay to have water delivered but companies hate driving out here, the washboard dirt roads can damage their vehicles. We usually just drive a holding tank once a year to the nearest town (Dolores) and pay for treated water, ship it ourselves.

II. New Drum Kit:

I built my first kit when I was 12 from spare parts a friend was throwing away, pots and pans, wooden dowels, and duct tape. I had a bass drum with no pedal, a snare drum on a stand, and a floor tom with no hardware that sat on the floor. I had a collection of broken sticks. I've had many drum kits since that first mess but this little one is the new hotness:

It's built specifically to travel, breaking down and setting up a kit can be a hassle. Though I haven't left the house with it, I love having it in the living room. I've muted the heads so I can play without triggering my husbands ASD, it is a very efficient little rhythm machine. I'd have hated this kit when I was drumming for rock bands back in the day but as an adult that has to share a living space, it's perfect. Everyday I put some time on it and so does the cat. She also likes to stand under the snare drum and pull on the resonator:

III. Role Models: Why I'm Not A Good One

A 17 year old reached out to me recently which wouldn't have been weird like 20 years ago but I just turned 36. This kid briefly said something along the lines of "a lot of people look up to you" and I couldn't stifle a belly laugh. My current role models are porn stars, y'all are doomed if anyone is looking up to me. No one is a perfect role model 100% of the time but I'm definitely not a good one in the context of wholesome family fun. Scrolling through my old posts you may eventually stumble across weird drawings of Tom Fulp tied up in a sex dungeon in which I'm dressed up like Jigsaw while cutting off a continuous stream of vestigial dicks just growing everywhere off of Tom's body. Hell, I once wrote a fan fiction of two Australian Newgrounds music producers where in they meet at a chip tune festival and have sex in an alleyway. I hope I deleted that one, not to try white washing my "image" but rather because I didn't ask how they felt about it until after I posted it. The older I get the more I'm like "yeah, I guess that was weird. Fuck me."

All this to say that this is why I like to include blog posts about my actual life, posts about living off grid, building solar arrays and auxiliary structures on the property, water management, landscaping. I want any young people coming through here to see what a good life looks like and how different it is from my digital persona. My Newgrounds account is a mess of weird shit but my actual life has involved a lot of hard work, learning, and growing. Unfortunately some of that growing was right here on Newgrounds because I was a weird kid, closeted trans with an interest in creative pursuits. I spent too much time on my computer, dreamed of a job in the animation industry (a dream I'm happy to say is long dead), illustrated my own comics, played music in highschool bands, and I watched adult content right here on the world's premier futa porn hentai website.

I was a closeted trans kid as long as I could remember, cursing my situation in life while playing with flash dolls on Newgrounds because I had a insatiable desire to experience any sort of femininity. I learned how to clear the browser history from a very young age while using the family computer to spark a fantasy that was eating me up from the inside. I dealt with suicidal ideation when I was five, kindergarten. At that age I stole clothes, make-up, and even considered stealing Barbie dolls and I had no idea why but I could not control myself. My mom would sometimes dump all the things I stole on the living room table and ambush me with it all when I got home from school. My dad would sit quietly, not saying anything, hands folded probably hoping that if the situation was ignored I'd just grow out of it. My mom travelled all over Long Island going to transgender support groups (without me), sent me to therapists (which I shamefully never uttered a word to), and when the therapists didn't get anything out of me I'd eventually get sent to some weird spiritual massage lady that made her living running a spa out of her garage. My mom drove herself mad trying to understand what I was going through. She commit suicide when I was 25.

I "purged" growing up, once a year tossing anything I stole into the garbage hoping that I'd "get better" just to go out and do it all over again (like I said, no control.) Growing up afforded me the ability to work a job and buy my own stuff online, at which point the stealing stopped but I was still hurting. I waited until I was 23 to transition because I was finally exposed to others that shared my experiences. I finally developed a language to describe what I was experiencing. I was tired of living a lie while feeling shame for urges I had no control over. Transitioning turned my biggest flaw into something good, my 30s have been defined by unrelenting happiness. I find daily gender euphoria in my marriage, satisfaction that I survived all the suicidal thoughts I grew up with. I am now cottage core to the max, cooking and cleaning like some kind of happy trad wife (terribly though, our house is still a mess and I cook like a neophyte. Tom is a much better cook. Also, no kids. I raise teh cats.) All this to lead up to....

IV. Trans Athletes: Astroturfed

When I spend time on Newgrounds I see all sorts of weird shit and feel at home. I see others that are experiencing life in their own ways, some of their experiences reflect my own. Would love for at least one of those weirdos to see this post and feel inspired to escape their depression. I post about living off grid because leaving society was just another coping mechanism. As the world gets more and more hostile towards trans people, I've tried to leave the world behind. I still have to deal with a constant stream of media designed to misinform people about my lived experiences. My feed is constantly flooded with media about trans athletes, a topic so infuriatingly astroturfed with political misinformation that no one will even listen to me because clearly I'm biased. Here's a video that came out a couple days before my birthday, a video that managed to squeeze one or two tears out of me because I already knew everything here and ultimately it won't change anything:

I'm so glad that people like John Oliver exist to try and unapologetically stymie misinformation but ultimately it won't help. People are addicted to media that confirms their biases, you can even claim the above video is proof that I'm no different. It's weird, feeling like an expert on what I had to live through while simultaneously feeling like I can't even talk about it because someone online feels "uncomfortable." To be totally fair, kids are constantly running through here. Everyday this website manages to involve itself with some of the most depraved fetish cartoons on the planet and I'm just over here, 36 and totally ok with it all because I like to think that despite the sexual content I turned out better than all the fuck-wits that want to spend their online hours bitching about trans kids in hateful comments sections and echo chambers. My life is fucking amazing and whatever sexual content I came into contact with growing up did not ruin it. That debauchery I grew up alongside has informed a lifestyle that gives me the freedom to shit post like nothing matters. I am not a good role model but I'd venture the guess that I'm still a better role model than half of you sad basement dwelling mother fuckers, fight me.

Sorry, we now approach the final leg of our journey. It's a leg that requires no further explanation because y'all can't read anyways.

V. tldr, music videos

@bleak-creep tag is a day late but you like getting tagged so here you go. Love and hugs babe <3

Been inactive lately, here's an update! I'm living the best years of my life right now, I fucking love my life. I've also gotten really burnt out on Newgrounds, the community here, and putting in any effort whatsoever in regards to socializing. When I moved off grid and far away from everything, I had a feeling something like this might happen with my relationship to society but I was hopeful that I'd get more involved with online communities. After a few years up on this mountain; fuck y'all too, the internet is a stupid place.

I've made a statement in a past blog to be weary of the dangers of pulling yourself apart emotionally to appeal to niche communities. Newgrounds is exactly that, a niche community with some incredibly talented people going absolutely nowhere. Back in 2008 I received advice from Ian Slider that if I wanted a career in music I had to "get off Newgrounds." Didn't listen, spent a good chunk of my life here and I don't regret it. This place has its perks but I'm just so invested in my own life right now that I don't give any fucks anymore. I'm not even doing much with my life per se, changed my profile occupation to waifu to reflect where I'm at mentally.

For 15 years I threw myself into the landscaping industry and learned as much as I could from horticulture to machine operation. I saw so many people losing themselves in that industry to addiction, alcohol abuse, pain meds, overdose... the irony right now is that I'm also using like crazy but none of the substances I'm into feel wrong. It all compounds back into my marriage. A massive source of my happiness right now comes from sex, drugs, and music. Sue me.

I could go on all day about how mad society makes me and how good drugs make me feel but instead I'm going to share a sampling of my date night playlist for funzorz, random segue. Given the general vibe from the music I upload to Newgrounds I doubt many of you would suspect that I'm really into funk, soul, disco, RnB... I've even developed a taste for "pop" and whatever it means in the context of human music. Here's a fun one, love the work put into the choreography:

Anderson Paak has been entertaining the FUCK out of us:

^It's so fucking corny and melodramatic, a little sexist but it paints such a silly drama I can't take it seriously. It's just fun bullshit. I missed out on a lot of fun music over the years because I was really stuck in certain feedback loops. Great example, I didn't notice Two Door Cinema when I was into the indy sound, but some of their tunes have grown on me and they still tour, so:

Dated a guy in my mid to late 20s that loved Childish Gambino and The Weeknd. I share these tunes with my husband now, years after they've grown on me:

Why iii Love The Moon by PHONY PPL came into my playlist last night but I guess I'll be listening to it more so here you go:

Bored yet? Here's some Gorillaz you fucking slobs, love it or die:

Tom Misch has been worming his way into my playlists, I didn't even realize I watched him on Youtube jamming with FKJ a couple years ago. These two are super talented:

That sax solo above reminded me, I fucking love this next one by LEISURE. Modest saxophone pay off @ 2:50:

Even though I haven't been writing music I've been playing daily, honing improvisational skills around beat boxing accompanied by some lax guitar and piano, inspired somewhat by the sounds I shared above. Really need to get into the loop station I bought ages ago. I've written lyrics for some of my material but in preparation for open mic I've swapped those out for the lyrics to Hit Me Baby One More Time and Break Stuff because I thought it was funny. Given that those kinds of songs require a mechanical license to share on social media I'll probably never showcase the material online but I'm trying to paint the image that I'm finding new inspiration every day. When I start writing again I'll try to bring good vibes into it but I'm so entirely done with competing for attention, self-promotion, and begging people for listens. Despite a fulfilling sex life I HATE feeling like a slut when I'm trying to get people to listen to my music. You either know where it is or you don't.

I do not fit in with what the world wants me to be but I've found absolute happiness, enlightenment in just being a loving wife. Suppose a lot of that stems from being a transwoman, a fact I usually wait until a few paragraphs into a blog to mention because I know the average Newgrounds user can't read. This feels like a relatively safe place to share personal details despite the world becoming increasingly hostile towards trans people. I've retreated into the arms of the one person that is there for me, the one person that makes me feel good. I'm happy but paradoxically lonely. Music was something I got into so I could make friends but now I'm so tired of everyone but I also kind of miss humanity? Mixed bag, big feelings. At least I still have one person in my life that I can share it all with.

I hope I'll rediscover whatever it is I loved about this place but for now I'm just jamming out in my own space. Music still drives me but it doesn't come from a desire to become famous, collect recognition, get rich, or appeal to niche communities. Making music has become a very solitary experience but I'm sharing the stuff I find with my husband, growing our taste in music together. I'm becoming equally intimate with my instruments so that when I one day decide to rejoin society I'll have something worth sharing with it. If I die before that can happen, cool. I'm so fucking done with this planet. Here's one more song to exit on, another talented soloist doing his thing. Peace out:

tldr: fought off a grizzly bear with a toothbrush, taught him proper hygiene, paid his college tuition. I'm so proud of him, fr fr.

Join Our Astrophotography Stream, Tonight! 7:30 Mountain Time (MT), 9:30 EST

Stream: https://youtube.com/live/8jkT4i6JuJg

edit: stream is winding down, will be over shortly. I'm adding a pic of the crowd in our living room to the bottom of the blog (Fig 1.4)

Fig 1.1 ^Tom was having tracking issues but the exposure turned out ok, imo.

For anyone curious about Astrophotography my husband will be hosting a "first light party" tonight. Tom will be streaming the event via his YouTube account with his new telescope. He wrote up the following schedule to help determine when certain events will take place:

https://youtube.com/live/8jkT4i6JuJg

Agenda: Mountain time zone

7:30 PM Live Stream start and obligatory technical difficulties

7:35 PM Telescope explanation and walkthrough (equipment)

7:48 PM Telescope power-up (Nautical Dark)

7:50 PM Software control explanation

8:10 PM Q&A

8:19 PM Telescope Imaging start (Astro Dark)

8:20 PM First Images

8:25 PM What are we seeing? B+W vs Color

8:30 PM Narrowband vs Wideband Filters

8:35 PM Processing images Art vs Science

8:45 PM Choosing targets and live viewing objects live

Fig 1.2 ^The new scope.

I want to maintain the focus on Tom's Astrophotography but I'll have a bunch of news in a week or so after the Astronox Music & Arts Festival to recap that event. I'll be hosting an "Introduction To Beatboxing" workshop detailing a brief history of the hip-hop subculture that spawned one of my favorite hobbies followed by an interactive class that teaches the basics of beatboxing. I've been working on a syllabus and rehearsing the material to make it as fun as possible but that event will not be live streamed. If you happen to be in the Austin Texas area, look up the Astronox Festival and nab an event pass. As I've said in previous blog posts, the host of the festival is an old Newgrounds alumni. I'll be meeting at least one other Newgrounds user at the festival so speak up if you feel like showing up! Tickets might seem expensive but given where all the money goes the event is basically operated at cost (edit: just found out they never break even. Zero profit.) It's not easy to get involved in creative communities, many creatives are shut-ins that never leave their comfort zones myself included. If you live in the Austin Texas area and you love painting, fire dancing, electronic music, DJ sets, eclectic food, and community portable-toilets than this event is for you!

That is all, enjoy the rest of your day!

Fig 1.3 ^some clown, no idea.

I. Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All

New EP Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All was finished a few days ago! Art volunteered by Bleak-Creep. If you like the art, please visit her page! She's a very special friend and her work is always top notch <3

https://quarl.bandcamp.com/album/robot-world-burns-cog-help-us-all

As usual I'm disabling MP3 downloads for songs that are migrating to Bandcamp. I'm not sure if anyone has caught on that my albums on Bandcamp are all "name your price," which translates to 0$. Purchasing individual songs on the other hand costs $1 per track. Seeing as it's ridiculously hard to get people listening to my music in the first place I've always tried to remain accessible. You can pirate my music if you want, just don't claim you wrote the material.

Massive thank you going out to Plasmarift and Bleak-Creep. I've considered hiring a voice actor in the past, I usually hunt for samples to help add cinematic elements to my music. Plasma reached out looking for work and I love a random hustle so I gave him a mission to write and record an evil monologue. Wasn't certain what to expect but he took that prompt and delivered some amazing recordings. I chopped his monologues up into samples so I could rearrange, pick and choose from, set cadence... it's honestly a slight shame that I'm not using his material in it's entirety but I might make some more cinematic tracks with his recordings taking the center stage at a later point. Could also make the sample folders public. After the vendetta recordings I asked him to do some fictional love confessions. He was a little awkward about having to act out love but that couldn't have been a more Newgrounds response, y'all are touch starved. I really want to do a couple of orchestral pieces using the monologues, something akin to the OST work from Us but I'm kind of between DAWs, more on that later...

Robot World Burns, Cog Help Us All is a collection of sound fetish, misanthropic synthesizers, and existential angst. The product of 20 years of just banging my head against a computer screen, this EP both loves itself and hates itself. Please consider dropping more than 0$ on the EP.

II. Passing Through Texas

I'm going down to Texas with my husband in October. If your interested in a music & arts festival look up Astronox. The guy that runs the event is an old Newgrounds alumni, Nick Sumbles. I only know of one other Newgrounds user in the Texas area, apparently we just missed each other last year, he bought a day pass. The event is 5 days long, I camped the event last year in my pop up tent. Tom just made some sick additions to our camper trailer, daisy chained some battery cells together and stuffed them in a couple boxes above the wheel fenders:

We used to plug our devices into the car battery but the new battery power lets us run a fridge. Starlink unit sits in the truck bed, is enshrined by the cage we used to hoist the pop up tent onto giving us highspeed internet. We camp like a couple of spoiled yuppies, when it gets dark out he streams Futurama while I emulate Pokemon games and troll Discord :D

This is just another reason why I make my albums free. Sometimes I complain about sales... a small part of me wants my music to blow up but my other half realizes how dumb that old dream is. I have a great life, any money I make from my music eventually funnels back to people like Plasmarift and pays for my subscriber status. I'm not sure when I'll have new music up, I'm trying to make a hard shift from a DAW I've always loved to Ableton because it's free right now. My hubby got a free license of Ableton with a Sweetwater purchase and I'm getting dated out of my Reason 10 license. I'll try to put my Reason 10 copy on the new music computer Tom built but I've been told I'm screwed. I'm not in love with Ableton's interface but I'm just being a big baby about it.

III. Tom Is King Of The Bees

His latest eccentric hobby, Tom procured a couple of Nucs before our wedding last year. He just divided the hives, installed three new queens:

I have 30 minutes of video footage to edit, maybe I'll have a finished product next time. It was a very windy day so I'll have to re-record his dialogue or use closed captions. Maybe I'll just overlay Plasmarift's monologues and tell my husband I fucked up the audio? Regardless, that about wraps up the news.

IV. Tldr:

New EP, Texas, Bees.

@Bleak-Creep @Plasmarift <3 <3

I. 1k Followers, 20 Years (skip this section if you hate reading)

Time flies, my account is almost 20 years old.

The overwhelming majority of that 1k do not use this website anymore. It's a meaningless number that conveys the time I've spent here more than any sort of popularity. There were a lot of people I loved working with over the years. Some of those relationships led to great experiences, embarrassing experiences, and strange experiences but my life is richer for all those relationships.

Almost a decade ago I met my husband through a roommate & friend of his that also used Newgrounds. It feels weird when you can sort of connect the dots and trace the love of your life all the way back to Love Hina sim date RPG but Newgrounds is a very special reoccurring vein in my life and I lovingly laugh at all the weird shit here. The name Quarl was truthfully inspired from a young fascination towards the FF VIII character Squall. Was probably 6th grade, 11 or 12 years old, 2000/2001. I had the original PS1 disc set but the final disc never worked, scratched technology. It kind of makes sense that I never got to see the game's ending in which Squall starts to grow a heart and becomes a better friend and lover. To me he was always "edgy-no-feelings-guy." That scratched disc arguably stunted the growth of my empathy by unintentionally introducing me to a bad role model. Fuck that emotionally stunted stoicism, learning how to convey deep feelings was the real plot of FF VIII. Creativity is an extension of your feelings: the deeper your emotional intelligence the better your work can get, the more criticism you can take, the more love you can convey.

Used the name first on Gaia, an old forum site that gave you "gold" for every post. Quarrel was already taken but no one ever asked why it was misspelled. For a long time "Quarl" was always an option for online games which is no longer the case. I am not the one true Quarl. Could have changed my name many times over the years but stuck with the name because I'm still just some dumb idiot moving through life in a transient manner. There are many young people here that remind me of my own youth. Those kids are angry, optimistic, hungry, hypocritical, existential... but more importantly they have so much potential. I love to see doppelgangers bloom into their own styles and elements, there is beauty in evolution and growth.

Feel free to share why you've picked your names if they mean something, I love posterity.

II. Homecoming, Bleak-Creep

Love this girl, always a pleasure to get to work with Garden. Her talent is enormous but more so I'm always impressed with how easily she deals with phobic reviews. I get to see every notification from the project and I'm mildly bothered by those that lack empathy for the creative process or the characters in the story but there's always a louder and bigger positive reaction from the community, giving hope.

The OST was a fun flurry of back and forth creative activity. I got to see an early version of the toon and tried to match the vibe. Garden likes her stories to be hopeful, or to convey hope. I had a melody on a harpsichord patch, not very hopeful i.m.o. but she liked it when I sent it too her for inspection. Her response took the soundtrack in the direction that it went in and as usual I'm happy to expand my comfort zone to include work other than obscure dance genres. I've asked her to again illustrate my next EP cover, more on that in section IV. New Upcoming EP.

Go experience Homecoming, an interactive story by Bleak-Creep and of course, the OST:

III. New Cat, New Chapter

The circle of life continues, we got a new kitty to give our other cat a play buddy. I had one raw moment where it felt like the finality of replacing our old cat was too much but at the very least, the new one will live the fullest life we can give her. She's a cuddly little thing, spent the first night crawling all over us, trying to lick my armpits. Here's to a weird new cat chapter...

IV. New Upcoming EP

I have enough songs to produce another typical Quarl EP and will be working on improving that material before posting it on Bandcamp. This means that I will be disabling free downloads for certain tracks, mostly the new ones. You can always pirate the improved upon WAV files from Bandcamp if you want to. I'm not going to go after people that want to listen to my music, just get the meta data in place so you have all the important details. I'm not putting "Hey Look, A Bank" on the EP, Geometry Dash owns that now. That song got so much attention because of GD, so just take it. Not disabling the mp3 download but you'll never get a remastered WAV to pirate from Bandcamp, I'm so fucking evil. MWAHAHAHAHAA!!! I'M SUCH A DISSAPOINTMENT >:D

V. Won't Make Pico Day, Please Go For Me

It probably seems weird to include a section about not being able to make Pico Day in Jersey but I just wanted to recommend that people in the North East area of the US should attend. Getting the chance to surround yourself with a bunch of equally weird creative power houses is inspiring. Every creative social event I attend, I try to talk to everyone. If someone is acting a little distant, open them up and find out what makes them tick. Be nice if you meet people that travelled, international or not. Ask about projects and interests, bring a sketch pad to share ideas and to make friends. There are a lot of names I recognized on the confirmed guest list, the potential creative power of the 2024 Jersey meet-up is real. I'm drooling at the guest list right now, please go for me and make positive memories. I've reposted the details towards the bottom of this post.

^ Rucklo & Quarl Pico Day 2016 ◠‿◠

VI. Art Inspired Music Contest

I'll be judging again this year, hopefully I'll have the chutzpah to review everything. If you make music and you love the art on Newgrounds, pick a piece that inspires you and write the most complimentary song you can. All the details are on Random-Storykeeper's blog, here's a quick link to the deets.

VII. Talking To Myself

Tossed this strip together for moments on Discord because it often feels like I'm talking to myself.

The wait to get a response on social media can sometimes feel lonely. The feeling is similar when blogging but the blog content is more for myself than anyone else anyways. It's a personal moment, scribbling ideas into the blog is a way to organize life experiences. I encourage creatives of all types to blog, if only for your own mental well being or a sense of progress. We're more than just webpages with weird content on them, we're people. We have feelings and dreams. As creative people it often feels like you're waiting for someone else to open a door for you but the experience doesn't have to feel lonely all the time. There are so many people on Newgrounds that share your visions, every post is a chance to reach out and touch the consciousness of a kindred spirit. I've talked to a lot of people that don't make content, they play into the numbers that give us popularity boners. Sometimes they drop kind reviews, sometimes they suck, but they constitute web traffic and just knowing someone has experienced our creations can be a high.

I feel that the goal of everyone that makes an account should be to contribute creative things, if you can't: leave reviews or blog. Tell artists that you like their work when you can to keep them going. Be part of the community regardless of how intimidating it can be. One last reminder:

PICO DAY NJ 2024 | NEWGROUNDS MEETUP

FRIDAY, MAY 17TH

3pm - 11pm @ Williams Center

15 Sylvan St, Rutherford, NJ 07070

For more info, BrandyBuizel has all the deets.

(A quick edit to the post, here's an old drawing Yendor did :)

tldr: drop a sleepy emoji if you hate reading.

I. My Newer New Friend:

@Cyberdevil Here's that polaroid you asked for!

I was trying to get the pole into it's hands to make it look like it was playing with the pole but like a stereotypical adult I didn't do any math. Was maybe gonna fix her up some more and get another picture riding her head while holding the pole like a battle woman, valiantly killing an endangered beast. The snow melted way too fast though. Snow is easier or harder to work with at different points in time factoring for things like melt or air temperature. I'll try again next year with colder snow xD

Yeah, she's pretty cool. Food dye in a spray bottle next year, I'm gonna spread color on my snow things <3

II. Church Of The Cosmic Fuck

I wanted to address my latest song, Church Of The Cosmic Fuck, mostly just because no one else is and I was really expecting some kind of puritanical backlash from my weird-ass song description, obscurity rocks. I marked this song down as Mature, a literal first. I'm not gonna be forthcoming with where I grabbed one or two voice samples because doing so would literally be sharing porn.

As a musician it's kind of funny having grown up with the sea of hentai on this website, WHICH I WILL SUPPORT, if only because it keeps the lights on for many of us and I'm a married 34 year old trans woman with no kids. If I could list the number of times people have pressured me to do porn, it's because I actually sat down and made a list. I really don't care anymore, I've ascended to the realization that reproduction is somehow imperative to our species and some people want to police how reproduction takes place.

So yeah, Church Of The Cosmic Fuck. Acolytes wanted, silly hats are mandatory.

III. NGPR, yay!

This episode was recorded quite some time ago, the recording I took on my end says 11-12-22. Give the boys over there lots of slack, whatever the gap was about it's totally alright. So many of us have crazy artistic dreams but we need to remember that life actually happens off the computer. I have disappeared from so many digital relationships myself that I totally get it. Space is something we seek out for many reasons. A friend once said to me "one day our favorite musicians will just stop making music" and it's true for all the creative things. One of my irrational fears is that other people will feel the same crushing burdens of irrelevance, imposter syndrome, or existential meaninglessness that I do and that they'll stop doing what they love as a result. I am in a good place 99% of the time and I'd love my peers to feel that feeling too. I often disappear from Newgrounds because I'm living my best life and I would much rather be there than in front of the pressure box making shit for no real reason.

Cut others the same slack that you deserve, you're beautiful <3

IV. BOSS SHOWDOWN CHALLENGE

I totally forgot to bump this contest, please forgive me @JinZ!! I actually won a contest not hosted by MindChamber for once! Yay! Theme of the contest was to make your own boss music and I NEEDED my own boss music. There was no prize other than this fun little image but it still means a lot to me.

edit: I just realized Daru's track only got 137 views, someone bump this one in the front page suggestions thread!! No wait, FUCK YOU- I'LL DO IT D:<

This image is the kind of thing I loved about Newgrounds growing up. JinZ did the thing that helps build up the community. He even posted a full video of his review process which is such an honest act of transparency. Competing for things like cash can create awkward feelings, everyone feels owed an answer when their stuff doesn't get love. A contest with no prize meant no pressure but Jinz still had to field a few raw feelings, people will disagree with contest results always. I remember getting pissed at a contest once because one of the judges didn't have any music background. That just highlights the need to volunteer or network harder, as such I'm volunteering to help judge this years AIM...

V. AIM 2024 [Art Inspired Music Contest]

random-storykeeper

She does such a good job hosting this contest <3

AIM is a popular competition, I love getting the chance to see what kind of Newgrounds talent is around us. It takes a seriously concerted effort to get to know the general community, but Judging the AIM gives me the feeling of leverage to see everyone and their dreams at once. I judged a couple years ago and it was such a good experience, I still see so many names from that year's contest and I know what to expect from them now. Jinz was actually one of those AIM contenders I judged which was another reason I felt compelled to support his Boss Showdown contest if only by competing in it...

In regards to general contest results I feel it's important to look the other way when we don't completely agree because at the end of the day all of our contests and events are hosted by similar crazy people with the same weird dreams and failings. We all want recognition from our peers but the burden of providing that recognition falls harder on some. I'm gonna do what I did previously and try to review literally everything in the AIM contest this year because I know some people need it. Artists are so talented but we are terrible when it comes to networking and promoting each other. I'm looking forwards to the thankless work of telling more than 100 musicians that they need to better familiarize themselves with their fidelity tools...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

VI. Fuck My Mom

Awkward segue, @Xinxinix recently hosted a poetry slam. I've always loved poetry because it's such a universal art form. Poetry lets people say things that are on their mind in a safe environment that encourages us to share feelings. It doesn't take more than understanding the language spoken, as such poetry can be very powerful. I wrote a poem inspired by the poetry slam. I've had really complex feelings towards the subject of my mom, she took her own life when I was 25. I wanted to make her proud but I had so much I still needed to accomplish before she died. She was my original role model, the strongest woman I knew. This poem is about her but it's a little Freudian so you might want to skip over it if your not ready for awkward sexual themes:

Frued thinks that he knows what's on my mind

Frued thinks that I think that my mom is sublime

But Frued doesn't know what I have on my mind

Because if he did he'd be protecting his own behind

I pine for a man whose name rhymes with void

I think of dat ass, the clinical ass of the Frued

I want to look in it, stick my face down deep

I want to feel covered in that Fruedian shee-it

I got him these flowers, so my feelings he knows

I got that bitch magnolias, zinnias, and a rose

My mom is cold because my love she won't have

Because Frued is my love and this poem made me sad

See, so embarrassingly Freudian. Obviously I can't share it too many places but thought "I poured my heart into this." It really means so much, and yet it also means absolutely nothing. I'm fucking weird, I accept that I'm weird, please don't tell my husband how HOT I get thinking about Frued and his massive psychology dick :o

I will now leave you all on this weird ass note, do with your feelings as you would. Happy tidings, now go make stuff <3