I made a new friend! Her name is Lumpy, she's a great white shark. Yes, she is made of snow but don't tell her I said that. I'm worried existentialism could cause her to start melting...

I try to refrain from blogging if I don't have "news" so the shark was originally going to be my excuse. Lucky me, I also tossed together a few videos this week to try and make new friends elsewhere on the internet. Lossy audio quality on Youtube, it's really not my favorite platform but at least they have embed codes:

I got a little discouraged recently when I tried to promote in a new community. The shorter two videos above were originally meant for r/dubstep. To be fair, r/dubstep has a rule against "shameless self promotion" but as someone that lives with a constant demeanor of shame I'm left with little to no ability to quantify their rule. I left their dubstep cult within 24 hours of joining it because they obviously lack a unified philosophy that involves fostering new talent. Instead they favor the promotion of big names on big labels pushed by big redditors. I've likewise left other communities shortly after joining because of similar vibes. Over the years it's become apparent to me that many of these communities are run by hungry fans, not the exceptional individuals that they worship.

I've developed a massive distaste for labels, scenes, fan clubs, festivals, gate keepers, and generally haters. I'm as introverted as any of them come but there's never a sense of comradery or kinship amongst fellow basement dwellers. Our digitized music commoditizes us away from being people, turning us into just loud noises on niche web pages. I've been trying desperately for 20 years to develop my own style while simultaneously trying to appeal to listeners that want their music in ways so specific that they can only get off from one or two artists or genres. I always come back to Newgrounds because it's my safe space. It's a rare space that fosters creativity, knowledge, and community of all kinds and all ages.

I'm experiencing relatively typical feelings of what it's like to be an independent "content creator." Some of us spend our entire lives banging our heads against walls while seeking out validation from communities that would prefer our work to sound or look just like someone else's. Despite EDM having it's roots in the Avant-garde, it has long since become a realm run by the few and the wealthy. Artists are encouraged to sound just like one another so that our tunes can be shoved into DJ sets that we can't even afford to go see. We're forced to stand on each other's shoulders to wade water in an attempt to attract the attention of labels that don't take any time to send out emails telling us whether or not our mixes have an ounce of chutzpah or how we can network to other labels that might willingly receive the work.

I'm once again being overly dramatic, there's a lot I'm not doing to help myself (I avoid uploading to Spotify for example). I'm sure my perspective lacks a lot of nuance but I'm still trying to process feelings from the money I spent producing the $pare ¢hange EP back in September and the lack of any attention it's gotten. My end goal with any EP is to break even. This time the EP was produced at a cost but it's not the lack of profit I'm upset about, it's the lack of any real traction after doing this shit for so long. I'm hardly unique, many artists exist in weird antisocial bubbles. I've spent some of my personal money over the years trying to support my peers knowing full well that they probably feel the same way that I do from time to time. Being a creative person fucking sucks when your honest attempts to try and promote your work get written off as obnoxious, annoying, or inconvenient to a community that's supposedly all about what you do. I'm not about to create an alt to push my music or beg them for their love.

The older I get the more I want to become some kind of care-free unicorn that survives on candy and grass but it only becomes more obvious that I crave hard sought attention. I complain about my own EP sales while telling people to pirate my work because it's honestly not about the money. I just want some of these assholes to look at my music for a moment and realize that I have a fucking soul. I want my music to convey all of my existential dread and angst. Similarly, I want to make music that contains all of my joy and optimism but I've clearly biased towards making the first couple. At the very least I can promise that I will have the integrity to continue to make atonal noise until I die. The only way I can reasonably deal with reality is by continuing to disassociate from it, sometimes from the perspective of a drum kit or sometimes from inside of a DAW. Whatever happens in the long run, I've decided that my life will ultimately be defined by the near constant redefining of whatever it is I'm supposed to be or whatever I'm supposed to sound like.

On a slightly lighter note, have a wonderful day! Use your time on this planet to find meaning and foster the best feelings you can fester up for yourselves and your loved ones. Play games, do drugs, have sex, make art. When life gives you cold precipitation, make a shark. 

~ Quarl