After 15 long years, I am finally USER OF THE DAY [1]. I have waited patiently for this grand ordeal, stealing moments and planning my every move. I have been awaiting this privilege since before some of you were even born. With my USER OF THE DAY status I can finally achieve the dominate sweeping reforms necessary to save this sad husk of a website.

My first command as your USER OF THE DAY is that everyone must bow when I enter a room. Children must weep, men and women must toss themselves at my feet. Let it be known that I am a just and loving USER OF THE DAY. I will tell the children not to weep. I will tell the tossed people to rise and live free wholesome lives. My paradoxical commands will wash over the people and you all will accept my beautiful demands. I am your goddess.

Second, I demand that all the furry-amputee-hentai artists collaborate on a fantastic mural immortalizing my splendor. The mural must be one mile long and three miles high. My figure will billow forth from a grand battle modestly clothed in fine linens with light fabrics gingerly accenting twelve pack abs suffocating under quadruple D cup anime titties. Long wonderful brunette hair must flow from my opulent crown. YOUR GODDESS HAS SPOKEN.

Thirdly, I demand that everyone who has ever downloaded a track of mine for free to check out Almost Orgasmic or buy 2Q4U hard copies. I'm thinking of tossing together a new album called Sex Noises but only after the buzz from USER OF THE DAY wears off. I'm too busy politicking right now to have any time for children's games and musics. War must be waged in my name. Blood must be sacrificed.

My fourth and final command is that I shall remain USER OF THE DAY everyday so that no one else may abuse the privilege that comes with my power. My strength is infinite and unrelenting. I demand that the code of this website bend to my will. The world will bask in the glow of my body as power radiates from my perfectly moisturized skin. I will grow in size until my form dwarfs your tallest skyscrapers. Once my dominance has been immortalized I shall physically vanish as quickly as I came. You're ancestors will sing songs of my ruler-ship. The Golden age of the world is now upon us.

Weep, for your terrifyingly powerful yet loving commander has awoken.